Fantasy baseball is not merely won and lost on the computer. When facing a prominent team or playing for a divisional championship, certain options need to be contemplated to give your team the best chance to win. One of these options is physically going to the ballpark and participating in the heckling of your opponent’s players. Yes, Man Sitting at His Computer, sometimes reality forces its way into fantasy baseball. Embrace it.
By following these steps, your heckles will reach maximum potential, and your team shall reign supreme.
(A Quick Note on Internet-Gamecast Heckling: Don’t. They can’t hear you. And you might break something expensive; namely, the computer. If you can’t attend the game, don’t heckle. It’s embarrassing.)
Research, Investigate, Study
Kung-fu grandmasters attest that finding an opponent’s weakness is vital to their defeat. Anything is fair game. Don’t be afraid to mention rumors of small genitals. Especially in the case of Derek Jeter. (Like you don’t think all that hustle and “team captaining” isn’t simply compensation for lack in a different area? Wink, wink. Why do you think Mia chose Nomar?) Besides the customary Internet stat reports, use any tabloid magazines, or spread gossip to locate their fatal flaw.
Varied Vital Information:
(1) Statistics fail to mention, but word of mouth continues to assert, that Expos outfielder Carl Everett refuses to believe that dinosaurs once roamed the earth. (2) After seeing a motivational-speaking duo tear a phone book in half with their bare hands, knuckleballer Steve Sparks dislocated his shoulder attempting the same feat. (3) Glenallen Hill, while technically retired, is a known sufferer of arachnophobia. (4) Antonio Alfonseca has six fingers on each hand and six toes on each foot.
Simple Jokes for Simple Folks
There’s a reason that bleacher bums don’t shout “Your throwing ability is reminiscent of the female gender, rather than that of the males!” The reason? A ballplayer’s short attention span. This means heckles must be succinct to be effective.
Use classic heckle staples such as “O-VER-RAT-ED” and the long-and-drawn-out-name chant (“Jeeeeeee-teeeeer!”), simply substituting new words for a more personal heckle.
Utilizing the Facts—Sample Heckles:
(1) Remember our paleontologist-doubting friend, Carl Everett? When he’s on the field, chants of “STEG-O-SAUR-US!” or “Teeeeee-Reeeex!” are required. But don’t throw actual dinosaur bones at him; you will get thrown out of the game, losing vital heckling time. (2) Throwing phone books at Steve Sparks will also get you a quick, police-escorted exit from the ballpark; holding the books up, dressed up as Matt Foley, Motivational Speaker, will bring about mental trauma from times past, and cause the knuckleballs to lose their funk. (3) If Glenallen Hill declares a return to major league baseball, it is necessary for at least 100 fans to be costumed as gigantic spiders. Sure, it might be hard to find seats, especially with room for all eight of your legs, but it’ll be worth it to watch Glenallen take the field, see the icky spiders, and run screaming back into the dugout. And once Marv Albert locates this information for his once-a-decade Albert Achievement Awards, your triumph will be preserved forever. Or at least until the VHS tape decomposes. (4) Making fun of someone’s disability is never honorable or encouraged. To think of even mentioning the fact that he has one extra digit on each appendage (for a grand total of four) shows how far you’ve truly fallen. In no way should you shout out “Freak!,” “Nub!,” or “John Merrick!” Also dishonorable is wondering aloud how Alfonseca can still be such a shitty pitcher despite the advantage of an extra digit.
Buy a Pocket Translator
(Note: For imported players only)
Saying “You suck” to Hideki Matsui? Decent.
Saying “You suck” to Hideki Matsui in Japanese? Logic dictates it should work better.
Practice, Practice, Practice
Everyone knows that practice and perfection have a conjoined relationship. Go ahead and stand in front of the mirror for a few hours. Don’t be embarrassed, no one’s looking. Unless you’re being stalked. But I’m sure they won’t mind. They usually dig that freaky kind of stuff.
While you’re out and about in your town, try heckling some of the locals to build your confidence and work on your repertoire.
To the Mailman: “Karl Malone would be ashamed.”
To the Paperboy: “Who taught you how to throw? David Cassidy?”
To the Grocer: “This orange blows.”
To the Bank Clerk: “I can buy and sell you at will.”
To the Bus Driver: “Flunk out of chauffeur school?”
To the Ice-Cream-Truck Driver: “Flunk out of bus-driver school?”
To the Town Vampire: “Even I have bigger teeth. And you call yourself a reanimated corpse that has risen from the grave to suck the blood of the living? You suck. In a nonliteral, yet highly amusing, way.”
To the Waiter: “How’s that whole aspiring-to-be-an-actor thing going? Not good? At least you got your degree in …? Oh. I’m truly sorry. Can I get a refill?”
Pick Your Location
Before buying your tickets, weigh the pros and cons of each location, in accordance to your heckling standards.
Upper Deck: relatively cheap, meaning you can spend more money on cardboard-sign creation and chest painting; distance from players inhibits their ability to hear your heckles.
Outfield Bleachers: where the riffraff hang, giving you a drunk audience and the possibility of forming a heckling partnership; the other drunken buffoons might have created better heckles, leaving you with a sense of shame and inadequacy.
Box Seats: provides you with instantaneous instant replays, giving you more information to make your heckles; the rich are loathed.
Above Visitor’s Dugout: better than the home team’s dugout, you can fight players (with heckles) head-on as they walk from the field; the players could kick your ass.
Behind the Plate: offers best view of the field, and allows the largest impact as heckle is delivered during most stressful moments of the game; the uncontrollable urge to talk on your cell phone while waving at TV cameras during the game, inhibiting the ability to heckle.
Is useful. It makes everything funnier and more annoying, simultaneously. It also helps numb any pain due to torn vocal chords from excessive screaming. Apply like mad.
Is essential. If you can, hold off on your heckle until your target is about to catch a fly ball, is on deck taking warm-up swings, or is up to bat during a critical situation. There’s no better feeling than claiming, with absolutely no proof whatsoever, that you were an important part in a game-changing error. All because of your well-timed heckle!
Cup your hands around your mouth, direct your voice towards the target, mentally prepare your heckle, and let it rip.
After realizing the player didn’t hear you, repeat the heckle until acknowledgment is made with a shake of the head, a small grin, or a bat thrown in your direction.
Warning: Your obnoxious yells may piss off the surrounding fans, but fuck them, you paid for your goddamn ticket too.
Depart with Haste
After a job well done, be careful not to heckle opposing team’s fans on the way out. They are probably bigger than you, seeing as you’re one of those insecure assholes that has to stoop to heckling.
Shame on you.