Lately, I have been watching a lot of television shows about doctors, such as ER, the one with the guy from Garden State, the one with sexy doctors, the one with the doctor who has a limp, and the other one with the sexy redheaded doctor. One thing I’ve noticed in watching these shows is that all the doctors act like it’s hard to do surgery. They might say:

“We’ll have to operate. It’s extremely risky.”


“This is a risky operation, but we’ll have to take the risk of doing this operation.”


“Let’s go have some sex.”

This makes me angry, because if we keep acting like surgery is hard, then we’ll be too intimidated to do surgery ourselves. I myself have been performing surgery since I was 11, and have completed at least 95 successful operations, 7 of them successful.

Wait, didn’t I just say that all 95 of them were successful? Yes, they were successful—because I tried. I guess every time a plane crashes, we’ll call that an unsuccessful flight, too?

This kind of negative attitude reminds me of my first surgery, a hand implant, in which I gave a patient an extra hand. It was elective surgery, and I elected to perform it. Many people looked down on me for taking such extreme measures. But before you judge me, remember to take a look in the mirror. Look into your own eyes and ask yourself, “Do I have enough eyes?” Maybe you should have three eyes. Let me add one for you.

It’s true that in ancient times, surgery was very hard, because old-fashioned surgeons only had primitive tools such as wood, rocks, and dinosaurs. But now we have fine modern tools and machines, like scissors, staples, fax machines, wood, and rocks.

Is it better to go to medical school before performing surgery? Oh, I don’t know, do you really need to go to talking school before talking? Surgery is one of the most natural things for a human to do. Whenever they find ancient books or runes, scientists will find pictures of cavemen performing surgery on each other. And then those scientists will turn around and say that no one should do surgery without a license. I guess maybe some of them could build a time machine and go back in time to give the cavemen a license. What? There aren’t any time machines? Well, maybe scientists should work on that instead of criticizing people who do surgery. Also, they are stupid.

Now you are asking, how do I put my patients to sleep? Well, think about this. People sleep every night. We are wasting millions of dollars making people sleep during the day when we could just as easily wait for them to fall asleep on their own and then go to town. People who are sleeping can’t feel anything. That is proven. Wouldn’t it be great to fall asleep and then wake up and find that your cancerous growth is gone, or that your foot is where your head is? That would be hilarious. Surgery isn’t just easy; it’s also a lot of fun.

I don’t tell doctors not to enjoy their hobbies, like limping, having sex, and being lame, so I would appreciate it if they didn’t tell me how to live my life. After a long day of work as a manager at Enterprise Rent-A-Car, nothing relaxes me more than dropping by the hospital and performing a few bypasses. So next time you see me sneaking out of the emergency room, instead of threatening me or chasing me down the street in your BMW, why not just slap me a high-five, buy me a beer, and then have a lot of sex with me like on that show?