BREAKING: Aristocrat Marie remembers being “frightened” of sledding, even though her archduke cousin was there for her the whole time. RT IF YOU THINK APRIL IS THE CRUELEST MONTH!
BREAKING: You gave too many flowers to the “hyacinth girl,” and now you cannot speak. RT IF YOU’RE NEITHER LIVING NOR DEAD!
BREAKING: Fortune-teller Madame Sosostris pulled the “Drowned Phoenician Sailor” card and needs to tell her client Mrs. Equitone to be afraid of water. RT TO LET MRS. EQUITONE KNOW TO BE CAREFUL!
BREAKING: Spectral veteran of the First Punic War planted a dead body in his garden last year to see if something would grow from it. RT IF YOU THINK CORPSES DO NOT BELONG IN GARDENS!
BREAKING: The upper-class woman you’re about to sleep with said, “My nerves are bad,” and asked what plans you should make for tomorrow. RT TO SUGGEST A GAME OF CHESS!
BREAKING: The reason Lil has disgusting teeth is because of the abortion pills she took, and two women won’t stop talking about it even though the bar is trying to close. RT TO TELL THEM TO GO HOME!
BREAKING: The speaker is actually Tiresias. RT IF YOU’RE AN OLD MAN WITH WRINKLED FEMALE BREASTS!
BREAKING: The Earl of Leicester took Queen Elizabeth out for a romantic boat ride even though she refuses to marry him. RT IF YOU THINK QUEEN ELIZABETH IS CRUSHING IT!
BREAKING: Phlebas the Phoenician drowned, and now he can’t remember what being alive felt like. RT TO REMIND HIM ABOUT THE INNATE SUFFERING OF HUMAN EXISTENCE!
BREAKING: The rain finally came, and all the thunder managed to say was “Da, Da, Da.” RT TO DEMAND THE THUNDER SAY SOMETHING BETTER!