“The Marlins have now had 17 people test positive in the past five days. On Monday, the total of confirmed cases stood at 11 players and two coaches.” — ESPN, 7/28/20

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Well, beat the drum and hold the phone
The sun came out today
We’re born again, there’s new grass on the fiel—

What’s that now?
How many more players have tested positive?
Four? So that brings the total to, what, 17, including personnel, all from the same team?
And we’re only a week into the season?

Okay, on second thought:

Take me out, Coach
I’m not ready to die, today
Please take me out, Coach
I don’t care how much money I’ll lose
Look at me, I don’t wanna be centerfield

No, seriously, look at me, Coach!
Can’t you see me jumping up and down in the outfield while frantically waving my arms to get your attention?
I beg of you, Coach
Take me out of this game so that I can go home to my wife and kids
After spending 14 days in quarantine, of course

For the love of God, Coach!
I have a pre-existing condition that puts me at a significantly higher risk of fatality
Listen, Coach, I understand that, with the shortened season, we have a real shot at winning the pennant this year
But is it really worth it to risk our lives and the lives of our entire families?

I know you can hear me, Coach!
I’m screaming at the top of my lungs
And there are no fans in the stands, so my voice is echoing throughout the entire stadium

Do not ignore me, Coach!
This is a matter of life and death!
Coach! Coach!!!
Why are you still giving the catcher signs?
We should all be leaving the field immediately and self-isolating back at the hotel

You agree with me, right, Sanchez?
Are you serious right now, you’re just gonna ignore me?
You’re like 30 yards away from me in left field?
Stop staring at your glove as if there’s a hole in it or something
You and I both know that there’s nothing wrong with your glove
Oh, really, now you’re gonna pretend to tie your cleats?
I can tell that you’re not actually touching your laces, and that you’re just miming it so you don’t have to look at me

Is anyone listening to me?
Jones! Hey, Jones-y!
Forget about the runner on second base for just a second and look at me!
Oh, sure, now you turn your back on me
Did I turn my back on you when you called me in the middle of the night asking for clean piss after the league’s drug testers showed up at your house without warning?

This is ridiculous!
It’s just a game, for crying out loud!
Does any of this really even matter in the grand scheme of things?
People are dying from this disease every single day
And we’re still out here shagging fly balls as if nothing is happening

Screw this
I’m outta here!