MICHAEL: What shall we do with our tax return? Take a volunteer vacation? Donate to Planned Parenthood? Maybe just save a little aside for an antiques excursion to the Poconos? I have a sudden and inexplicable craving for a player piano.
ALEXANDRA: Good try, Michael. Every cent of it is going straight into Ziplocs — small bills — for the go bags. Speaking of which, the renewed passports arrived.
MICHAEL: Oh come on, Alex. We’ve been working so hard. We deserve a little savasana. Though I suppose we should keep it domestic. If any government officials look through my social media they’ll never let me back in the country. I know — let’s rent one of those VW Bug Campers and take a “Reconnect with America” road trip. We’ll have our own tiny house on wheels!
MICHAEL: Oh c’mon. I’ve never seen the Grand Canyon, have you?
ALEXANDRA: There was that mindfulness retreat and detox in Tahoe that coincided with the vernal equinox, but after all that peyote, I can’t remember if we ever made it out of the lodge much less the grounds.
MICHAEL: That’s a no. What about Mt. Rushmore?
ALEXANDRA: A giant granite edifice celebrating the patriarchy? No thanks.
MICHAEL: Well, if you were going to celebrate the matriarchy, who would you carve into stone?
ALEXANDRA: Well, Hillary. Obviously. And the Pinnacle of Persistence, Elizabeth Warren.
MICHAEL: Yes, the strong and obvious choices. Who else? Eleanor Roosevelt? Betsy Ross? Susan B. Anthony?
ALEXANDRA: Too many racist overtones. We need some diversity. Malala?
MICHAEL: In the spirit of the original, perhaps we should limit ourselves to American born.
ALEXANDRA: How about Laverne Cox? Two birds, one stone.
MICHAEL: No stones anymore, technically.
ALEXANDRA: That’s not a very evolved joke, Michael. Oh, but speaking of evolution, Jane Goodall might be a contender!
MICHAEL: You definitely need a girl scientist.
ALEXANDRA: Don’t make me play Blossom’s latest vlog for you again, Michael. Jane Goodall is a WOMAN. Words matter, Michael.
MICHAEL: You’re right. Words matter. Hmmm… words… writing… hey! Since supporting the Arts is illegal now…
ALEXANDRA: SHONDA RHYMES.
ALEXANDRA: She’s a brilliant writer. And politically minded. At least sometimes. And she writes strong female characters.
MICHAEL: If that’s all you need then you may as well include Joss Whedon. I was thinking more along the lines of Toni Morrison.
ALEXANDRA: Fair point. I suppose having them both would be overkill. So that’s Hillary, Elizabeth, Toni, and Jane. Let’s take it up a notch and include Misty Copeland. That woman is a goddamned national treasure.
MICHAEL: But you already have four faces.
ALEXANDRA: She can leap across the entire work in a forehead-spanning grande jeté, like a rainbow of hope.
MICHAEL: I’m not sure that’s structurally sound. But hey! That’s all the more reason for our road trip. We’ll scout-out the perfect site for a marble monolith celebrating the matriarchy!
ALEXANDRA: Could we even take off that much time from work? Maybe we should fly. I just commissioned a local artisan to make me a pair of leggings covered in pictures of Kittery Klinton with the text “#purrrrsistence” embroidered up both sides in ethically-harvested llama wool. I am DYING to wear them on a commercial airline. Though I’m not entirely sure that recycled Lycra can withstand being dragged down the aisle.
MICHAEL: FLYING DEFEATS THE PURPOSE OF THE TRIP! NOT ENGAGING IS WHAT GOT US INTO THIS POLITICAL MESS. We need to share experiences with our countrymen and women residing in the Flyover States. And time isn’t an issue — we can work from the road! People in Kansas use the internet, too.
ALEXANDRA: Are you sure?
MICHAEL: Live feeds of giraffe births are bipartisan, my love.
ALEXANDRA: Fine. We’ll scour the wilds of America to find the ideal location for our stone sculpture for the sisterhood. So long as you can find an RV that’s a hybrid. And we can’t spend the whole return, ok?
MICHAEL: Yes, yes, yes. I understand you want to put some in the go bags. But if you ask me, when things get as bad as you seem to think they will, I’m not sure what good money or passports will do us.
ALEXANDRA: Oh. It’s not that. Well, it IS that. But you know how we decided to support Teen Vogue and their great reporting?
MICHAEL: We already paid for that subscription.
ALEXANDRA: Right. But we haven’t paid the credit card bill after I ordered all those nighttime skin serums from Amazon. I’m empowered AF, Michael. And I work really hard to make sure no one defines me by my appearance — ME INCLUDED. But I’m also human. Reading articles about the dismantling of the EPA while looking at the accompanying ads with fresh-faced beauties practically swimming in collagen on those glossy pages makes me want to inject botulism straight into my forehead.
MICHAEL: You should be ashamed of yourself.
ALEXANDRA: I know! But these fucking age spots are the result of the fucking depleted ozone layer which is the fucking government’s fault and now the commander in chief’s platform is that a woman isn’t worth acknowledging unless she’s at least a seven and if you catch me in one of my weak, shallow moments I might admit that sometimes I miss being catcalled. I AM GOING THROUGH SOME THINGS RIGHT NOW, MICHAEL. It’s very confusing being a woman.
MICHAEL: No, I meant you should be ashamed about using Amazon. We promised we’d quit.
ALEXANDRA: I know, but I used Amazon Smile! So I automatically made a donation to PBS! To celebrate, I bought those period panties, too. They seemed better for the go bags.
MICHAEL: Does this mean you’ll stop running that menstrual cup through the dishwasher now?
ALEXANDRA: If you stop emptying your neti pot into the kitchen sink.
MICHAEL: That’s my girl.
ALEXANDRA: Goddammit, Michael. WOMAN.