We were apparently founded in 2017 and functioning as an underground organization until, like, three days ago. Now the Alt-Left has been outed for what it really is: a violent, terrifying, definitely real organization that totally exists. Until President Trump called it out, no one else dared to say the words aloud for fear of the expected, brutal retaliation. Yes, everyone was afraid to voice their feelings on the Alt-Left out of pure fear, and not because it is something President Trump made up in a sad effort to show that progressives are just as bad as the Alt-Right.
The Alt-Left centers on the insane belief that Nazism is bad. We realize this is a scary and difficult opinion to hold right now, so let us break down our crazy notions for you.
- We terrorize young minds with the radical notions of anti-fascism, democracy, equality, and extremist ideology like “affordable health-care” and “women’s rights.”
- We instill a sense of radical anti-hate.
- We teach millennials that participation trophies are terrible, especially if they are life-size replicas of racist people who participated in the Civil War.
- We erect a statue of the president’s enemy: Meryl Streep. (Note: This could be the real Meryl Streep acting as though she were a statue, which she would do quite well.)
- We believe that Black people deserve to not be victims of police brutality.
- We try to figure out how to actually pronounce “Antifa.”
- We dare to continue the national legacy of welcoming immigrants into this country (while daring to discontinue hating them immediately)
- We petrify Americans with secret weapons of ‘real facts and history’ to prove that fascism is deadly and harmful
- Is it Ant-E-Fuh or AUNT-e-fuh?
- We believe people of different backgrounds and experiences can coexist so long as they listen to and help one another. We believe Bernie Bros and Hillary Hoes can do this, too.
- We utilize the platforms we have access to in an effort to help others with less privilege. (See: Meryl Streep’s Golden Globes speech, in which she was acting as herself and was still perfect.)
- We realize that someone could be both a woman, and also Black, and that will make their experience different from someone who is one of those, or neither of those things. Also realize that someone could be a woman, and also a person.
- Do we pronounce “aunt” and “aunt” differently?
- We will cover that as well.
- We remember it like this: ant is a bug; aunt had a messy divorce from Uncle Oscar.
- We hope Uncle Oscar and Aunt Cherie are OK and in better places in their lives.
Rosa Parks, Martin Luther King, Elizabeth Warren, Gandhi, Meryl Streep, and Kristen Stewart
The easiest ways to get in touch with us are either through an SNL sketch making fun of Steve Bannon, or by sharing a screenshot of President Trump blocking you on Twitter. Or simply via Meryl Streep.