Why hello! It has been so long since any of you expressed any interest in me! When was it?1936, I believe. We had taken to a small island, was it north of Crete? I was there with Dr. René Belloq and he opened the Ark of the Covenant and my face melted and you all cheered!

That wasn’t very nice.

But my, my, my how things have changed!

Folks in your country are catering to my kind, my legion of junior Tohts. Tohtsies. Earnest writers and edgy photojournalists are trying to understand where we are coming from. Decades after your ancestors defeated my kind in a world war, some of you folks are interested in my feelings and my thoughts and my many grievances!

Grievances: You can start with the fact that I am a melted skull. That is a definite grievance.

Apparently the Ark contained some elements of his Holiness, God, and He/She/It (?) (it looked like a pretty woman at first but then it changed) was so Good and I am so evil, my face melted! That was not fun!

And again — why did you cheer? That seems inappropriate.

Oh well, I will try to move on from that.

I find it curious, though. What made you all go from cheering my skin, muscle, sinew, and organs melting away in mere seconds to trying to understand me? Why are folks only now coming around to try to “figure me out” and “appeal to voters like me”?

First off, I cannot vote. I am a German citizen, not American. So save your Get Out the Vote pamphlets and microtargetting and such. Second, in terms of appealing to me as a voter: I am just a melted skull. Even those new digitized voter machines you have I would be at a loss to operate.

So I will admit to feeling a bit confused. After the heavenly whirlwind whisked away my remains, and those of Belloq, et al, where were you?
And for that matter, where am I? I think I’m on a rock somewhere but I can’t really tell. Again: I am a melted skull.

In any case, it is better late than never, I suppose. Thank you for asking!