We closely followed the terrible events unfolding in this film, especially the portions for which we remained awake. We condemn in strongest possible terms this film’s egregious display of hatred, bigotry, and violence on many sides. On many sides. And it was going on for a long, long time. I think almost three and a half hours.

What we must focus on now are the refunds that must go to citizens who attend folk-singing competitions, only to be denied the full show that they paid for. Certain singing families seem to be deaf to the cries of folks who only want to have a good time, refusing to do their job and appear although their names were announced multiple times. And furthermore, we must condemn violence. Specifically, the brutal violence of the nuns towards a doubtlessly expensive German car. How chilling, to see their mischievous glee, as they gloated over the spark plugs they tore from the beautiful vehicle, happy to stop military personnel from doing their job, which could have involved matters of national security.

Certain people on the left, like Captain Von Trapp, for example, refuse to work together with other people in a time when we all must come together. Not only did he tear up a very high-quality flag that was given to him as a gift, he’s also a liar. He made a fake announcement that he was going to sing “a love song” only to sing a song that my generals have informed me was about flowers, because I for one didn’t know what the hell he was talking about. Then he cried. Sorry, Chuck Schumer, we’ll need a new nickname for you because we have Cryin’ Captain Von Trapp now.

I mean, look at this guy. Look at him. He goes up to Rolf — does anybody have Rolf’s number, by the way? Bannon’s looking for interns again — he goes up to Rolf, and he says to Rolf, he says, “You’ll never be one of them.” And what kind of thing is that to say to Rolf? When Rolf is doing terrific work. Rolf’s earned everything he’s got, he started as a telegram boy, maybe his father sent him away, far away to military school, for example. How dare they tell him that he’ll never belong when he’s going to blow that whistle and everyone’s going to come running. Tonight the general will tell him, “You’re a good soldier, I see you, great job with that gun, Rolf. Your father was wrong and he’s dead now and you’re the president and you can belong anywhere you want. You don’t have to be alone with the shadows that threaten to consume you, we’re all running to you, Rolf, as long as you keep blowing the whistle, we’ll run to you, we’ll run to you, run! Run!”

So you see, Captain Von Trapp should have thought about that. Anyway, who’s going to trust a guy who throws over that incredible-looking Baroness for a woman with a man’s haircut who plays the guitar, am I right folks? Of course I’m right. Not today. Not in my America.

[An aide whispers in his ear.]

Folks, I’m being told that this terrible, disgraceful motion picture takes place in Austria. Which is, I am also told, another country besides America. So, to wrap things up — because I am scheduled to tee off in five minutes — I’ll leave you with this: If necessary, this administration will not hesitate to solve a problem like Maria with fire and fury. No further questions.