OK kids, gather around. Everybody take a knee.

I’m afraid I’ve got some bad news. For yet another week we have to forfeit. You kids still didn’t sell enough candy on the subway for us to afford our uniforms. And the league won’t let us play without uniforms! I know you’re disappointed, I can see it on your faces. Let’s fix this. Let’s talk about what the problem is.

I know, I know. Nobody believes you. I hate to break it to you kids, but adults are cynical. Believe it or not their first instinct isn’t to trust you kids. It’s to think this is some kind of scam. That’s what the letter is for.

Oh come on, don’t give me that. The letter works! Look at Stanley! He’s our top salesman. He uses the letter.

The letter explains to people that this is a legitimate youth sports fundraiser. And I laminated it because in the adult world any serious and important paperwork is always laminated. Yes it is, Lamar. I’m an adult, you’re a kid. You don’t know about this kind of stuff.

Get in here and take a knee. Look, I know it isn’t easy. You think this is easy for me? When I took this job people thought I was crazy. They said “there must be an easier way to fulfill your community service requirement for your DUI.” And they were right. There were tons of easier things. And now look. I’m out $5,000 on Welch’s Fruit Snacks.

I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “$5,000? That was more than enough money to buy the uniforms.” And you know what, you’re right about that. I probably didn’t think this thing through. But hindsight is 20/20. Let’s try to move forward instead of looking backwards and “assigning blame.” Focus on the positive! Yes, Jermaine, I know we’ve forfeited every game this season. But try not to think in terms of wins and losses. Think about all the weeks you came so close to selling enough candy to get the uniforms. Remember in week three when Toby got mugged on the A train and lost the money that would have put us over the top? That was a tough break, but if not for that one unfortunate criminal act, we would have done it, kids! We’d be out there playing RIGHT NOW!

No, Derek, you should not “just beg.” Nobody on this team is going to beg. Have some pride. You’re not beggars. You’re basketball players. No, Derek, this isn’t the same thing as begging. This is capitalism. This is how business works, OK? I’m an adult. When you’re an adult you’ll understand that.

What? You think I should take a class on business? I think you should take a class on how to sell more goddamn candy! How about that? You’re benched, Derek.

Take a knee, kids. Listen, I’m sorry I lost my temper just then. I’m under a lot of pressure here. This is so much worse than you guys think. My Fruit Snacks guy gave me this stuff on credit. The juice is running on us every week!

Not that it’s any of your business, Chris, but it’s 25%. That’s actually not bad.

Oh come on! Cut me some slack. I’m very happy to hear that all of you have such sterling credit records but you know what? You’re a bunch of kids. I’m an adult. I have shitty credit.

I’m not saying I’m perfect. Sure, I’ve made mistakes. But you kids have made some mistakes, too. Remember when Toby got mugged? What the hell was that, Toby? We needed that money! Moose does not fuck around!

The point is, there’s no I in team. No one person is bigger than the whole team. Is this MY team? NO! This is OUR team! Is this MY candy? NO! This is OUR candy! When we win, we win as a team. When we lose, we lose as a team. When we buy $5,000 worth of Welch’s Fruit Snacks from a shylock named Moose, we do that as a team! We’re in this together! Now get in here and take a knee.

Where are you going, Derek? Derek, get back here! You’re out? You’re out when I say you’re out. Somebody get the door, don’t let him leave. We got work to do. These Fruit Snacks aren’t gonna sell themselves. Now put your hands in here and let’s do “team” on three. One, two, three, TEAM!