To Whom it May Concern,
I am applying for your social media specialist position. Though I am a recent graduate with an entirely irrelevant degree in Ancient Latvian Pastel Art Interpretation Through Lithuanian Chamber Music and Hungarian Novelists, I believe my extensive experience in social media maintenance as publicist for the Patriots College Star Wars Club has more than prepared me for the rigors of this position.
As a student of the arts, I have often been asked how my classwork in college pertains to the skills desired of today’s evolving workforce. The study of Ancient Latvian Pastel Art Interpretation Through Lithuanian Chamber Music and Hungarian Novelists may seem excessively specific to the working world, but my classes actually opened my mind to several modern-day issues, and strengthened my critical thinking and problem-solving skills as I strove to find a fitting interpretation for each stroke of pastel on paper. For example, have you heard about feminism? I debated this topic with a classmate in my course on Latvia’s “blue period,” during which time several female artists emerged drawing only in blue pastel. While my classmate chalked this up to several bad cases of premenstrual syndrome, I argued that chamber music written at this time, notably the Lithuanian piece “Womanhood Sucks: Rise Up Ye Feminists” (an approximate English translation of the Lithuanian title), suggested that this “blue period” was actually part of an ancient women’s rights movement. The overwhelming presence of blue hues in the pastel work of the time is a symbol of man’s oppression, while each stroke presents a metaphor for woman’s resistance as she attempts to take control of her life as she has taken control of the blue pastel in her hand.
Such an eye for subtlety and symbolism is essential to a social media specialist. If there’s one thing I learned as the publicist for the Patriots College Star Wars Club, it’s that children in Africa are starving to death, and I am very passionate about feeding them, as you can see in the picture I have included with this letter of me presenting an innocent group of African children with a fresh 50-count box of Munchkins. If there’s another thing I learned as the publicist for Star Wars Club, it’s that social media is a language of implied meaning. A successful social media specialist has a shrewd eye for internet sarcasm, as in the tweet I received just last week which read “leia sux ur twitter is dum.” This was likely in reference to the series of Princess Leia pictures I posted that day after re-watching The Empire Strikes Back, and though it may seem rude at first glance, as an experienced social media specialist I can tell that it’s just a bit of what we online call snark (a “snide remark”), which is all in good fun, of course. That the user felt the need to make this snark (“snide remark”), however, suggests that he or she has an internalized disrespect for women, possibly stemming from a distant mother or a cruel babysitter; and while they thought their comment was in jest, as the great Hungarian novelist Hirhozo once said of the famous Latvian pastel depicting a man lounging carelessly on his couch while his beaten wife scrubs the floorboards on her chaffed knees, “Bro hates hoes” (again, an approximate English translation).
As I’m sure you’ve figured out by now, my skills as an interpreter of cultural arts are not only impressive, but also essential to the social media specialist position you seek to fill. If you hire me for this position, I am confident that I can change the face of your social media presence for the better, making it more hip, more insightful, and more enticing to starving African children, which I believe to be both an underappreciated and underfed target demographic.
Thank you for your consideration,
P.S. If you would like to donate to the starving African children, please visit the official Oxfam website. And hurry. Turns out 50 Munchkins don’t last long among several million starving children.