“In an extraordinary move, all four federal prosecutors who took the case against longtime Donald Trump confidant Roger Stone to trial withdrew Tuesday after top Justice Department officials undercut them and disavowed the government’s recommended sentence against Stone.” – CNN 2/12/20
We are looking for Assistant U.S. Attorneys (AUSAs) who have a passion for prosecution. More importantly, applicants should be loyal and show a strong interest in criminal justice reform, particularly in the sentencing phase of white-collar charges like obstruction of justice, tampering with witnesses, and making false statements.
We currently have four (4) openings.
About the Office
The United States Attorney’s Office for the District of Columbia has a unique place in the Department. Our AUSAs serve as the local and federal prosecutor. We spend most of our time defending the president’s actions. These include misdemeanors, like tax fraud, obstruction of justice, and even forging a National Weather Service forecast in violation of 18 U.S. Code § 2074.
It also includes felonies, like tax fraud, election fraud, all of the other frauds, and what we think is an inevitable homicide on Fifth Avenue.
We spend the rest of our time filing charges against political rivals of the president and prominent Democrats. Our office puts a high value on the creativity of our AUSAs.
Successful applicants will enjoy all that downtown Washington D.C. has to offer. This includes the Trump International Hotel, the Trump National Golf Club, the Gift Shop in the Trump International Hotel, and the current residence of Donald J. Trump, also known as the White House.
Successful applicants would be expected to investigate alleged crimes and prosecute whoever filed them. They will also be called on to defend the president, in both his official and his personal capacity, from civil or criminal liability in a wide variety of cases.
Other responsibilities include, but are not limited to:
- Digging up dirt on political rivals of the president
- Performing case intake, except for filings made by one Rudolph Giuliani
- Losing evidence
- Complying with all orders from the president, whether in the form of a Tweet or otherwise
- Filing cease and desist letters
- Filing motions to disqualify witnesses
- Appearing on TV to discredit witnesses without (and this is important) ever using the word “impeach”
- Filing motions to dismiss cases for lack of eyewitness testimony
- Broadly citing executive privilege
- Owning the libs
- Agreeing to be bound by all of the attorney-client privileges and non-disclosure agreements that the Department requires
Your direct supervisor would be William P. Barr.
Salary is commensurate with experience and will come from public funds.
Frequent travel to Russia may be required.
- A long history of voting for Republicans
- Undying loyalty to the Great Donald J. Trump
- A law degree
- A license to practice law
- Litigation experience necessary to convince a federal judge to reduce the sentence of a hypothetical defendant who she thinks threatened to kill her in an Instagram post
- A legal background in bankruptcy
We were an equal employment opportunity employer.