1. The opening of unpleasant mail, i.e. a subpoena, loan information, or tropical fish without guaranteed live delivery.
2. The heart-wrenching epiphany that you’ve forgotten which cigar is laced with horse tranquilizer as the ambassador holds a match to your stogie.
1. To have your mouth ravaged by the satisfying burn of Loco Taco Gordito Crunch.
1. To realize the pattern of ruin plaguing your life is not a result of chronic bad luck, but poor foresight and compulsive self-destruction.
2. There’s a bat in your hair! Get it out!
1. To scream without feeling particularly upset, but the driving rain and crane shot seem to call for something dramatic.
1. The catching of beloved character actor and environmentalist Ed Begley, Jr. wrist-deep in your wife, ruining a treasured marriage, Six Feet Under, and quinoa salad.
2. The end of a marriage, leaving you emotionally crippled and ill-equipped for work as a Guatemalan day laborer.
3. The sight of your reflection for the first time since a cruel overseer splashed drain cleaner in your face for picking an unsatisfactory amount of cauliflower.
1. Those cutthroat bastards sent you straight to DVD again.
1. Your mother’s friend Camille has shown you how well her C-section scars are healing.
2. An unexpected encounter with gluten, red wine, a spiral staircase, Brazilian men, an AR-15, plantains, Hepatitis C, a lunar eclipse, crab grass, electroshock therapy, or whitefish.
1. To rip the mask off a gas station robber you’ve tackled, revealing your own tearful face, aged twenty years and covered in chemical burns.
1. A flickering around your peripheral vision indicates the beginning of a gruesome acid flashback as you prepare to take the senate floor.
1. The sight of your grandfather’s withered and drooping manhood, combined with the knowledge that yours will one day look the same, combined with a general sense of inevitable decay and fear of death.
2. Like, forty weasels.
1. Something is torn, deep in your back. Oh god, this does not feel right. Definitely tore something.