[Originally published April 14, 2010.]
Unless otherwise noted, the criteria detailed in this rider shall be adhered to during each stage of the pregnancy, which for these purposes begins either with the union of the respective gametes or the first time the mother feels both nauseous and hungry for a chimichanga at eight in the morning. The mother enters this contract immediately upon completion of the licentious deed, which causes FETUS to exist.
- FETUS demands a moist single-occupancy enclosure. If found present, any twin, or vestigial lump that shows life signs, will be treated with great hostility and will leave the womb a dented monstrosity.
- The womb shall provide good lumbar support for FETUS.
- If possible through outpatient procedure, the womb should be equipped with 1 (one) small television, 1 (one) Blu-Ray player, and Planet Earth: The Complete BBC Series.
- FETUS takes pleasure in wriggling and prefers a larger mother in which to develop, with uterine area equal to or greater than that of a basketball.
- As the mother provides sustenance for both herself and FETUS, careful attention should be paid to dietary intake. This means no Chinese. Other Asian cuisines shall be determined on a dish-by-dish basis in a separate document. All hot dogs must be kosher.
- FETUS shall communicate basic demands to the mother through a system of kicks. 3 (three) consecutive kicks indicate hunger. 4 (four) consecutive kicks indicate boredom with the mother’s choice of television. 4 (four) consecutive kicks and then 1 (one) delayed kick indicate imminent mortal danger. 4 (four) consecutive kicks and then 2 (two) delayed kicks indicate general contentedness.
- If the mother feels compelled to play music for FETUS, she should play the following ONLY: Bobby McFerrin, humpback songs, early “Old MacDonald” recordings, Enya, Steve Reich type stuff, and the Soviet anthem.
- FETUS demands 2 (two) hours advance notice of any sonograms in order to maybe stretch out a little and not look so much like a cocktail shrimp.
- When FETUS thinks of a funny joke, it shall tug vigorously on its belly cord thing. These instances shall be documented by the mother so that she can later ask FETUS what was so funny.
- FETUS shall not be called Garrett.
- In caution of a lisp, TH- and S-heavy names should be avoided.
- FETUS’s name shall not be too southern-sounding (i.e., Clint, Jeb, Tanner, Cassidy, ______ Jo)
- Avoid gender ambiguous names and names that can end interchangeably with Y or I.
- Unless he has a Wikipedia page, FETUS has no interest in being named after its father.
- FETUS thinks Darren and Barbara are pretty nice names.
- The mother shall never participate in sumo wrestling, mechanical bull rides, or tobogganing of any kind.
- FETUS reserves the right to pick at various orifices without being judged.
- FETUS would really rather not get involved in the pro-life/choice debate.
- The mother shall self-administer a snorkel as a matter of caution when taking a bath.
- FETUS must have immediate access to the following items upon birth: towels, Purell, Neti pot. In the instance that FETUS feels self-conscious, a garbage bag full of warm Vaseline shall be provided as a transitional womb.
- All participants in the delivery shall be clean, well-mannered, and fluent in cooing. Too much arm hair can be unsettling.
- If delivered via Caesarian section, FETUS shall crawl through the incision on its own volition like a gremlin leaving its cocoon. It shall be filmed for later enjoyment.
- Any evident deformities may only be discussed privately, as FETUS would prefer to be oblivious until the first day of kindergarten.
- FETUS shall be placed in the nursery between 2 (two) uglier babies.
Should the mother fail to adhere to these criteria, FETUS reserves the right to either be put up for adoption or pretend to have a disorder characterized by wailing a lot in public places.
All terms of this rider are hereby agreed upon and accepted: