OLD MAN WINSLOW: Hello, everyone! Thanks so much for coming out to Winslow & Sons Bakery this morning. We’re about to make some history together!
It really is an exciting time here at Winslow & Sons. So much is happening. Just a few months ago, for example, we proudly opened the doors of our first New York City bakery. And while it’s since been shuttered by the authorities for allegedly bootlegging rum balls, we at Winslow & Sons have never shied away from a challenge; we still see lots of really compelling growth opportunities back East, so stay tuned. Of course, we continue to innovate on the product side—we recently incorporated raisins into our oatmeal cookies and just released our latest version of confectionaries, Petits 4.0.
Big stuff. But today we’re introducing our biggest innovation yet. A revolutionary creation that will change the way people eat, think, and live. We’re calling it: slicedBread.
What is slicedBread? How does it work? To tell you all about it let me introduce the head of our product team, my firstborn son, William. Willie?
WILLIE WINSLOW: Thanks, Dad. Wow. We have really been doing incredible stuff here at Winslow & Sons, and I’m so, so delighted to introduce you to the latest result of our team’s hard work, something we’re all deeply passionate about: slicedBread.
Say you want to make a sandwich. Well, first thing you’d do is come down to our bakery, where one of our savvy Yeast Geeks would help you find the perfect loaf. But when you get that new loaf home you can’t just start making your sandwich, can you? First you have to cut the bread.
Now, I don’t know about you, but I’ve never been very good at cutting bread, especially when I’m hungry! It’s hard, right? And it can also be really inefficient: your knife slips, you knick your finger, you get lockjaw, you die—so cutting bread yourself really isn’t the most elegant lunch solution.
So here’s where slicedBread comes in. What if I said you could come to our bakery and pick up a delicious loaf as always—but that that loaf had already been sliced! And not just sliced, but sliced by a state-of-the-art, patented, gasoline-powered mechanism that produces beautiful, uniform slices every single time.
Well, welcome to the new reality. Take a look. These are the slices. They’re absolutely stunning. The face is smooth, almost glasslike, with no unsightly craters or notches. And look at the edges, they’re unbelievably crisp and thin. Astonishing.
What’s more astonishing is that these slices are not only incredibly thin but also incredibly durable. We’ve made improvements to the grains, fusing them together in a special pattern that allows the slices to support even the densest, fattiest, fleshiest meats. Your dripping heaps of haggis and hogget? We say bring ’em on! And what’s amazing, too, is how these slices feel and look in your hand. There’s a gorgeous aesthetic distinction between the lightly textured crust and the polished face, but the two still manage to be seamlessly integrated. Remarkable.
And one more thing: these slices I’ve shown you happen to be from a loaf of pumpernickel. But you can get slicedBread in any variety of Winslow & Sons bread.
OLD MAN WINSLOW: Wow. Just wow. Thank you, Willie. You know, my mentor, the world-renowned boulanger Antoine Nougat, used to say over and over that one must always set the oven for the future, never for the past. And that’s what we’ve always strived to do at Winslow & Sons—keep our ovens attuned to whatever’s next. I believe we’ve lived up to Nougat’s vision. And I believe that slicedBread is truly the next big thing, a landmark product to which all others will be compared—in fact, we may not witness something as great as slicedBread for a very, very long time to come. Thank you!