Would you mind watching my laptop?

Would you mind if I set my laptop on your table?

Would you mind making aggressive advances on anyone who steps within a six-foot radius of my laptop?

Would you mind sucking my laptop into your stomach folds?

Would you mind encasing my laptop in a 4’x4’ block of quick-drying cement?

Would you mind welding all the tables and chairs in this coffee shop together into a fortress that renders my laptop unreachable?

Would you mind disassembling my laptop and hiding the tiny pieces throughout the neighborhood?

Would you mind evacuating this coffee shop by feigning a PCP overdose?

Would you mind enlisting in the Marines, logging no fewer than four years of deployment during which you earn a Medal of Honor, then returning to this coffee shop and guarding my laptop using your newfound skills?

Would you mind coating my laptop in a live culture of SARS coronavirus?

Would you mind stabbing me in the chest with this pen, thereby alleviating my responsibility for my laptop?

Would you mind hacking Kim Jong-un’s Twitter and inciting nuclear war with Trump, ensuring that most of our planet—and with it, my anxieties about leaving this laptop unattended for a minute or two—are expunged from existence?

Would you mind ascending into godhood and accelerating the heat death of our universe?

Thank you so much!