ACT III, SCENE IV: Castle Elsinore

Enter Hamlet, dragging the corpse of Polonius. Enter Ghost.

GHOST: Mark me. But don’t mark me late for dinner!

HAMLET: Forsooth, don’t sneak up on me like that!

GHOST: Son, what wast that scene back there with thy mother?

HAMLET: Nothing! T’was perfectly normal! Just a normal conversation between a son trying to tell his mother, the queen, about the murther of his father, the king!

GHOST: Whilst in thy mother’s chamber? Ranting on and on about thy mother’s bed, and what she shouldst and shouldst not do in it? In graphic detail? It seems that thou wast more weirdly fixated on thy mother’s sexual relationship with thine uncle, rather than with my murder.

HAMLET: Nay, ’tis not true!

GHOST: Ghosts do not lie—thou canst see right through us! But seriously, I thinkst it’s about time for us to have a talk.

HAMLET: Father, I am in college. I know all this. Also, ’tis not the time!

(HAMLET gestures at corpse)

GHOST: Son, thou art almost a man. Thy body is going through a lot of changes, and thou art going to feel certain urges. Urges in thy tight Elizabethan breeches. Which is perfectly natural. But, first and foremost, thou shouldst not direct those urges toward thy mother.

HAMLET (groaning): I amst so mortified.

GHOST: Hi, Mortified, I am thy father! But as I was saying, thou shouldst direct thy feelings toward ladies thine own age, not thy relatives, and certainly not thine admittedly hot mother. What about that nice girl Ophelia thou wast seeing?

(HAMLET gestures at corpse)

GHOST: Alas, thou hast screwed the pooch on that one. It’s apparent. Get it? A parent. But I had hoped the two of you would marry and have a son, Prince Hamlet the Third.

HAMLET: We would have called him Trey—

GHOST: Absolutely not. But at any rate, thou canst meet other ladies in thy court after thou avengest mine cruel and unholy murder. Young ladies from good families, but not thine own family.

HAMLET: Father, I really needst to do something about this corpse—

GHOST: I thinkst it may be mine own fault, for over-emphasizing what a strumpet thy mother hast been; mayhap I planted this idea of thy mother’s attractiveness in thy head. Verily, the queen is smoking hot. Why else wouldst I and my brother, thine uncle, be so eager to get with her? The lady hast a strong sex drive, and is clearly unbothered by the idea of incest. But not with thee, my son. Not with thee.

HAMLET (dragging corpse offstage): Good talk, Father, but I amst going to go.

GHOST: Just to make sure thou knowst a hawk from a handsaw: thy mother’s slammin’ bod is for me, and I suppose now my brother, but not for thee, because incest is wrong. Also, avenge me!

HAMLET (calling from offstage): Forthwith!

GHOST (shouting after Hamlet): Dost thou know what thou callst a homicide in a henhouse? Murder most fowl! Get it, Hamlet? Hamlet?

Exeunt all.