It has been brought to my attention that my re-emergence and new appearance has troubled some people, and for this I don’t apologize, but I do feel the need to explain.

To start, thirteen years is a long time. I’ve gone from a chubby, petty criminal whose vocabulary was limited to one word, to a family man, passionate anti-crime advocate, and Cross Fit enthusiast. I’m trying to move forward in this beautiful journey that is life, but my past makes this a challenge.

I understand nicknames are hard to shake but it’s troubling to still be called “The Hamburglar.” That was a crime from my youth, for which I’ve served my time. Yet due to society’s inability to forget, I am forced to still carry the moniker, and due to a very loose criminal code governing McDonaldland, I am forced to still dress the part. I don’t ask forgiveness for my hamburger crimes, which in my defense, were caused by hypoglycemia. I ask only for the chance we are all awarded as humans, to change and to grow.

It is not unheard of for a man to change his look, as a result of growing up or his wife Sheila leaving him for their neighbor Carl, forcing the man to re-enter the dating world. This is an image-based society and I can tell you from experience that online dating does NOT favor one-toothed men. So I am not ashamed to admit that I completed a little dental work, hit the gym, and updated my wardrobe with tasteful pieces from Ed Hardy’s new “DILF” collection.

I have grown and evolved. A lot has changed since I was living in a flophouse, snorting up to ten burgers a day. Three years ago, I graduated top of my night school class. I now volunteer at the local hamburger kitchen. And through daily meditations and the teachings of experts like his Holiness the Dalai Lama, Dr. Maya Angelou, and Steve Harvey, I’m proud to say that I’m living my best life, as father to sons Braden and Jayden, youth soccer coach, and part-time Huffington Post blogger.

It has been a tough road, but I’ve fought hard to come back and be the spokesperson I was meant to be. You can read further details when the good people at Penguin publish my book My Struggle (Robble Robble) this fall.

I would like to thank Jayden and Braden for keeping me straight all these years, my fans for their kindness and support, and my best friend Grimace for whom it’s always been bros before burgers. Thank you again for coming out, and please, try our new Sirloin Third Pound Burger.