The One We’re Desperately Trying to Repackage as New and Trendy

Sure, you might think you already know everything there is to know about this place just because it’s been one of the most established parts of the city for centuries, but you actually don’t. A new laundromat just opened up there last week, for instance. And we’re pretty sure Mrs. Schneider has a new dog. This neighborhood is still constantly changing and provides you with the unique opportunity to be the youngest person in your apartment building by approximately 35 years.

The One We’re Going to Ruin by Writing About

This place is amazing right now: hip, affordable, safe, close to your office, and close to your friends. The only problem is, a lot of wealthy people who you would hate hanging out with read our publication, and they’re probably all going to decide to move here immediately after reading our glowing description of it. You might still get a few days to enjoy the neighborhood if you act immediately, but we’re pretty sure that cool venue where The Strokes used to play is already being turned into a Buffalo Wild Wings.

The One We Made Up

Technically speaking, Castle Hills isn’t so much a neighborhood as it is two pleasant-sounding words that our marketing team mashed together. The area itself spans three blocks and consists of one new condo building and a bunch of vacant lots. The closest hill is about six miles away. The closest castle is in the United Kingdom.

The One That, Like, Literally Just Became Too Expensive

Oh, man, we’re really sorry, but we’re actually telling you about this one just a little bit too late. If we had mentioned it last month — last week, even — you probably could have found something, but a couple that’s pretty much exactly like you except slightly better looking and more successful just grabbed the last affordable place. Our bad.

The One with Really Good Transportation Options

This is a great neighborhood, and the best thing about it is how easy it is to leave, thanks to its great access to transportation. Not that you would ever want to leave the neighborhood because of how great it is. But if for whatever reason you do — which you won’t — you totally can because of all its great transportation options. It is not weird that this is the only way we are complimenting the neighborhood.

The One That’s Still a Little Too Scary

This neighborhood is definitely on the upswing and will be way too nice and expensive for you in about five years. But it actually seems a little too cheap for you now, and the seedy liquor store to nice café ratio is still about four to one, which is going to make you just a little too nervous and self-conscious to move there. You will hate yourself for not doing so in the very near future.

The One with the Embryos

This is that classic episode where all the friends except Phoebe play that game to see who knows each other the best, and Chandler says, “Actually it’s Miss Chanandler Bong.” We’ve seen it dozens of times, and it still always makes us laugh.

The One That Even We’re Not Sure Why We Included

This place? Really? I mean, it’s not terrible or anything, but it’s pretty far out there, and there’s not a ton of stuff to do. Sure, it’s kind of affordable, but it’s not “Oh, wow, that’s amazing” affordable. Maybe we used to have a lot of fun here as a kid, or maybe we’re just being contrarian or something. It’s tough to say. There are at least three Taco Bells in the area if that matters to you.

Pretty Much Anywhere in Pittsburgh

It’s safe, reasonably priced, and has decent jobs and restaurants. If you think you need more than that, you’re fooling yourself.

The One You Already Live In

Just kidding. This place sucks.