“GOP congresswoman [Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene] blamed wildfires on secret Jewish space laser.” — New York Magazine, 1/28/21
INDICATIONS AND USAGE
The Jewish Space Laser is a device that emits harsh and unforgiving light beams on powerful idiots who think Jews control the weather or start catastrophic wildfires.
Patients should zap themselves with the Jewish Space Laser when they use the word “globalist” as a scare tactic, enlarge the image of a nose, quote the Protocols of the Elders of Zion, or are a current member of the Republican party. If you believe that Donald Trump is waging a heroic war against a secret cabal of Satanic pedophiles whose members include Oprah Winfrey, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Maxine Waters and Adam Schiff, your doctor may prescribe a Jewish Space Laser. Having a copy of Hitler’s speeches on your nightstand is an indication that you need to use the Jewish Space Laser and probably should never have been put in a position of power and influence.
WARNINGS AND PRECAUTIONS
- Patients may complain about the side effect of the Jewish Space Laser and also that it’s administered in such small portions.
- Republican patients may experience shame that they’ve allowed their party to become such a rage-filled den of bigotry and utter stupidity, but they probably won’t.
- Patients who use the Jewish Space Laser might see visions. These visions might include a parallel between the QAnon narrative and an ancient anti-Semitic accusation of ritual murder that resulted in blood libels and laid the groundwork for the Holocaust.
- If you notice that you’re a racist white supremacist spreading loony conspiracy theories that you saw in a meme or on a YouTube video, please seek help immediately.
USE IN SPECIFIC POPULATIONS
- Pregnancy: the Jewish Space Laser is not indicated for use during pregnancy, but Mazel Tov, we should only hear good things! If you’ve used the image of Chuck Schumer greedily clutching onto dollar bills, please don’t procreate.
- Geriatric Use: the Jewish Space Laser can be used with elderly patients up to the age of 2000 years old.
- If you’ve turned your darkest fears of genocide into humor already, you probably don’t need the Jewish Space Laser.
A Jewish Space Laser may not be taken from sundown Friday evening for 25 hours or be leavened in April. It should never be used instead of sincere, chest-beating atonement for your sins. Under no circumstances should patients who require the Jewish Space Laser be given a Congressional committee assignment, especially when they harass victims of school shootings and claim they’re “anti-gun” crisis actors. Gevalt! This person openly supports hanging and executing political opponents. Have Republicans lost their minds?
For most patients, the recommended dose is one zetz per day, to be taken approximately one hour before opening your mouth in public. However, a Jewish Space Laser may be administered up to five times a day, or whenever you feel like a marginalized minority is responsible for all your problems. Get therapy.
Oy vey iz mir! If only you had read the label instead of futzing around all day, you could have avoided this and would be more like your cousin Reuven who already finished medical school.
USE WITH FOOD
Of course! Help Yourself! There’s a smorgasbord of appetizers, a chopped liver sculpture of Gal Gadot, and a buffet with all the tzimmes you can eat! May also be taken with cholent, potted kalechl, or stuffed cabbage. Ess, ess, you lunatic!
A Jewish space laser? Are you fucking kidding me? Haven’t we suffered enough already?