“Judging a Judge on Race and Crime, G.O.P. Plays to Base and Fringe .”
— New York Times, 3/22/22
This judiciary committee hearing is serious business, and as it progresses, I have one clear goal: to stir up frenzied moral panic among people who believe that Tom Hanks and Chrissy Teigen are running a secret pedophile ring.
Us lawmakers have a crucial task. We must examine the competency of a person who will one day wield enormous power. This is why I’m hoping Americans —specifically, those who believe Donald Trump is secretly still president— are watching me make a mockery of this hearing.
You probably have some questions about this highly qualified judge sitting before us. Are her sentencing records different from other judges I’ve confirmed? No. Are her sentencing records different from a year ago when I agreed to confirm her to the DC Circuit US Court of Appeals? Also no. Have multiple police organizations endorsed her? Yes. But none of that matters as I pretend that one case she adjudicated out of thousands is the only one we should focus on because my sole aim is to pretend she’s soft on child pornography. Why? Because somewhere out there, there’s an unhinged person who thinks that John F. Kennedy Jr is alive and wearing a MAGA hat, and I hope to secure their support.
The nomination of Ketanji Brown Jackson is historic. In this country’s painful, racist history, not one Black woman has ever sat on the United States Supreme Court, and her confirmation would end this shameful record. She is also singularly qualified and impressive. But lucky for me, the very same people who believe celebrities are enslaving children tend to also be racist. They’ll gladly swallow any smear pill I can come up with, regardless of how ludicrous it is, just as long as the slander is directed at a Black person.
Is my behavior deplorable? Of course it is, but Democrats started all this. Remember what happened in 2018 when we nominated a man credibly accused of attempted rape to the Supreme Court? In Republican circles, we refer to rape as “teenage dating habits,” so we happily confirmed Kavanaugh. But what really upset us was how Democrats dared to try to hold a powerful white man accountable for sexual assault. That’s the real cancel culture, and it’s also why I need the votes of folks who believe that Anthony Bourdain and Soundgarden lead singer Chris Cornell were murdered to protect the Deep State.
Look, if Democrats wanted a fair hearing, they should have nominated someone more suitable, like a white lady who speaks in tongues and says that wives should be subservient to their husbands. My reprehensible behavior is on them because abusers blaming others for their abuse is right on brand for today’s GOP. Also, the important thing to remember is that Donald Trump once said “tip-top” while standing next to an Easter Bunny, an event which captivated the tens of thousands of dolts I am hoping to reach today.
So what is the judicial philosophy of Ketanji Brown Jackson? What is her methodology? How does she see her role in the context of our constitutional system? Honestly, I have no idea because I’m not even listening. As soon as I accused her of crimes, I went right onto my phone to check my Twitter mentions, and lo and behold, @WWG1WGA52435834379666 tweeted about me. Nailed it!
What you must understand is that in 2016 we nominated and elected the worst possible person to be president. We couldn’t have done that without the cultish support of people convinced he was a covert superhero agent battling globalist child traffickers. Never mind that in reality, he was forcing thousands of real-life children away from their parents, taking millions from the gun lobby, and botching the response to the pandemic. None of that stopped these dummies from putting all their faith in him, and I’m hoping that now, after I made a travesty of these confirmation hearings, they’ll put their trust in me. See you in 2024!