1. Removed Confederate statues are being melted down and repurposed into cyborg Black Lives Matter protesters.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “This one came sooo close! I mean, don’t feel bad, but it was in the YES pile for like two days. Just confused about how cyborgs work. Guess I’m not sure about the science of it all. (First time I’ve ever written that, lololol.)”

2. Teslas are not powered by electricity but rather run off a precise combination of imported beer and shredded American flags.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “We like the specificity here, and the part about shredded flags is so good! Why didn’t I think of that! It’s just… this Musk guy might be on our side, or he might not. Tough to pin down, so we’re gonna play it safe.”

3. The NFL is planning to remove the National Anthem, the American flag, and any mention of the United States from the 2021 Season. In addition, all games will be played in Mexico with both MS-13 and the Sinaloa Cartel sponsoring expansion teams.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “Ripped from the headlines much? The NFL would totally do this. In fact, we ultimately passed because it’s too real. Like don’t give them any ideas, amirite?”

4. Microaggressions will soon carry a felony charge.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “I appreciate where your head’s at, but this steps on that whole ‘prison reform’ nonsense people keep going on about. They’re all like, ‘We need to fix jails! The American Prison-Industrial Complex is inherently racist!’ And I’m like, ‘We locked up Andy Dufresne, didn’t we?!’ Apologies. I digress.”

5. Coin shortages always precede Socialist coups.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “Most everyone already believes this, right? A little lazy TBH.”

6. 97% of wildfires can be traced back to Beyoncé’s Super Bowl XLVII Halftime Show.

Reviewer’s Feedback: “Really strong. Just wish it were more recent. Like, is there a way to tie this to The Dixie Chicks?”