WISEMAN: Here are your gifts: frankincense, gold, and myrrh.
JOSEPH: That’s great, but we could really use some food…
MARY: Or shelter.
JOSEPH: Or medicine.
MARY: Or parents.
JOSEPH: We’re 13.
MARY: Really, just literally anything other than the things you did bring us.
WISEMAN: These are for the messiah. I’m sure he’ll need them for something.
MARY: Why do you think our barn baby is the savior?
WISEMAN: We saw a really, really bright star.
MARY: You know that the light you’re seeing from the star is like six million years old, right?
WISEMAN: To be honest, we don’t even know what stars are. Our wiseness does not apply to science. Or math. Or geography.
MARY: And what did you think a baby was going to do with myrrh? Was it just something you had on you?
WISEMAN: …We were really banking on running into a Baby Gap before we got here.
MARK: Whoa! So you can turn water into wine?
MARK: And what amazing things have you done with this fantastical power?
JESUS: I dunno. I get fish drunk a lot. Oh! This one time Judas was washing his clothes in a river and I turned the river into wine and then all of his clothes got ruined. He had to spend 30 silver pieces to get a new wardrobe. It was hilarious.
MARK: I think you’re missing the point of your miraculous ability.
JESUS: I turned the Dead Sea into a 96 BC pinot noir. I bet you’ll change your tune after giving that a shot.
MARK: Wow, a lot of people showed up. Are we expected to provide lunch?
MARK: Oh man, we did not plan for this. We only have one loaf of stale bread and one fish.
JESUS: I’ll take care of this with my Jesus Magic.
(He creates a buttload of fish and bread.)
MARK: Ah. I see you used your holy superpowers to make piles of dead fish and stale bread.
JESUS: Yep. Now we can feed everyone.
MATTHEW: I’m just guessing, but I doubt everyone wanted raw fish sandwiches, Jesus.
JUDAS: Yeah man, you couldn’t have made, like, a couple of PB & J’s?
JESUS: Hey, be grateful. Now Judas, you should probably start gutting these thousands of dead fish I just created and dumped in a pile on the ground next to the swarm of flies.
JESUS: I’mma cure them leopards, guys. You guys! Let’s gooooo… let’s… go heal those jungle cats.
MARK: Lepers. You want to heal the lepers.
JUDAS: Jesus, you need to sit down. You’re drunk again.
MATTHEW: Your blood is literally wine.
JESUS: Man, I’m hungry… but lo, there’s only one raw fish pizza roll left. WAIT, I KNOW WHAT TO DO!
JUDAS: I know what you’re thinking, and please DO NOT do it. The toilet’s clogged and we cannot afford for you to have raw fish diarrhea again.
JESUS: So what does everyone want to eat for supper?
JUDAS: Actually, can I just suggest anything but—
JESUS: Why don’t we eat me?
JUDAS: Ugh. Every Tuesday.
JESUS: Eat my body, for it is bread. Drink my blood, for it is wine.
JUDAS: This’ll teach me to dedicate my life to a giant Pillsbury Doughboy filled with booze.
JESUS: Ugh, being crucified sucks. You know what’s ironic?
JESUS: I built this cross for the Romans. I should’ve known it would turn out like this when they specified it be big enough to hold someone exactly my size and weight.
MATTHEW: Wait. You’re still taking carpentry jobs on the side?
JESUS: Every now and then. Curing the blind doesn’t really pay the bills.
MATTHEW: It should. Most optometrists do pretty well financially.
JESUS: Those cheap blind bastards lied to me.
JESUS: Hey, I’m back!
MARY: Oh, uh… hey Jesus.
JESUS: So I ran into the life insurance guy outside. He had this massive sack of gold for you guys ‘cuz I guess I was covered up the wazoo. I told him to beat it, ‘cuz I ain’t dead! Now I’mma take a quick nap and—what the hell is this?!
MARY: Oh Christ.
JESUS: You already turned my room into a study? Wow. I see how things are, MOM.
MARY: Oh, don’t overreact.
JESUS: I’M GOING TO LIVE WITH DAD.
JOSEPH: Now, son…
JESUS: I MEAN MY REAL DAD. INVISIBLE SKY DAD.
MARY: Goodbye, son.
JESUS: Can I have my myrrh back, please?
MARY: …We sold all of your stuff at the garage sale.
JESUS: For someone named “the Virgin,” you sure do like fucking with me, Mom.