“X is the future state of unlimited interactivity—centered in audio, video, messaging, payments/banking—creating a global marketplace for ideas, goods, services, and opportunities. Powered by AI, X will connect us all in ways we’re just beginning to imagine.” — Linda Yaccarino, CEO of Twitter, which has now rebranded to X.

- - -

Here at the Louvre, we’re proud of our storied 230 years of history, and rightfully so. But we don’t rest on our considerable laurels. We’re constantly innovating, disrupting, and activizationizing words that signify things in a dynamic and optimal way, unlocking new synergies that provide users with a transformative experience that will recalibrate their very perceptions of quantum possibility—to the nth degree.

That’s been our mission statement since we were briefly rebranded as Musée Napoleon in the early nineteenth century in honor of the OG disruptor Napoleon. We’ve always moved toward the next frontier, even though we’ve been right here on the right bank of the Seine for centuries. Yes, we’re a world-class destination for art, but now we’re so much more. We strive to be something for everyone or nothing for anyone, we forget.

If there’s one thing we’ve concluded from the millions of visitors who pass through our doors every year, it’s that art is passé. Art is stale in an age of content—unlimited content you can hardwire to your cerebellum with maximum connectivity, allowing you to upload videos with your smart shoe, get a crappier version of the cable television you cut the cord on years ago, and watch reality shows transpire in real-time in reality with no scripts, no actors, no directors, no cameras, no crews, no catering, and no pesky union wages that make it impossible to hoard all the profit for yourself for work someone else did.

You see, in the future of tomorrow’s today, we’re visioneering. You can do banking with a flicker of your eye, communicate with your dead loved ones with incoherent AI that regurgitates gibberish that sounds nothing like them, and record audio with your mind before it’s swiftly forgotten unless you order our memory-enhancement supplements—be sure to sign up for a subscription, fam, for the best deal and assurance you’ll never run out, lest all your cherished memories be erased. Memories are content, and content is here for its coronation, baby. After all, we once hosted French kings, so we’re an authority in telling you there’s a new king in town, and that king is content, beautiful, sweet, sweet content—oh, content, my love, how I long for thee, how my aching loins quiver for thy sweet embrace.

The Mona Lisa is content. The Venus de Milo is content. Twelve-Thousand-Pound Kissing Cousins in Bitchin’ Monster Trucks is content. Pimple Lickers is content. Big Azz Alligators is content. Big Azz Alligators vs. Son of Mecha-Tetrahedron is content. Big Azz Alligators vs. Existential Ennui is content. The Raft of the Medusa is content. The Sleeping Hermaphroditus is banned in Florida.

Our brand is globally recognized, trusted, envied, admired, celebrated, festooned with countless accolades, and worth more than Scrooge McDuck had in his golden swimming pool. So that’s why we’re arbitrarily changing it to some random crap for inscrutable and head-scratching reasons. We’re now UVR. Is that an acronym? Maybe. Is it a meaningless assemblage of letters? Perhaps. Is it memorable? Searchable? Do we even own the IP? I’m not telling. Doesn’t UVR already mean “ultraviolet radiation”? Won’t that just confuse people? Shut up, nerd.

Here at UVR, we’re all about taking something you somewhat enjoy, or at least at one point might have enjoyed, and ruining it for everyone out of spite, just because we can. The near-infinite amount of mockery you’re subjecting us to won’t deter us. Nothing can deter us. We’re too strong and powerful. We get so many visitors you can’t shift your balance to the other foot without bumping into someone. We got this on lock.

What, you’re going to go to the Paris Polytechnic College of Louche Day Drinking and the Butter Arts campus gallery where little François drew a still-life of a freaking croissant and a sketch of his cat with laser eyes? I don’t think so. Go ahead and mock us. It just makes us stronger and angrier. You won’t like us when we’re angry. As you see, that’s one of the many synergistic crossovers we can unleash now that we’ve evolved into a twenty-first-century content interactivity pioneer where you can come for ideation, inspiration, soul-crushing despair, incongruent financial services, completely redundant messaging, auto loans, home security, fitness trackers, digital assistants, digital overlords, low-budget shows that don’t pay union-negotiated residuals, and perhaps even paintings, the original analog NFTs for the retro-nostalgia generation, which remains a key demographic for at least the next few fiscal quarters.

We’ll be your one-stop shop for the visual, paravisual, conceptual, reconceptual, and accumulating fat stacks with crypto and AI-generated blockchain pea soup solutions in the metaverse, y’all. We’re a focused brand that knows exactly what we are and exactly what our consumers want, and that’s why we’re proud to step into the future of unbridled contenticity. Sign up today, and we’ll throw in unlimited streaming of Mona Lisa Smile, a Venti Odalisque, and nebulous features we won’t even bother to explain since we don’t have to.

UVR goes beyond the tired museum interface of the past. UVR is the future. UVR is everyone’s future in ways you could never even conceive, and we already assassinated all the time travelers who tried to stop us thirty-five minutes ago.