Mom! Mom, psst! Mom!! Come here! Look, look at that! The new decorative figurine previously placed on our mantel is in the bathroom.

Mom, mom! He’s supposed to be protecting the house and scaring away felonious hobgoblins, per the folklore, but this guy has come to life and grown full size and left his post and is now giving in to modern speculation that his use is primarily decorative.

Mom, seriously, look at that. He’s disobeying the puppet maker’s original intent to provide a solution to the lonely farmer who was spending too much time cracking nuts so he challenged the village to find a more efficient solution.

Mom! I don’t think he’s going to crack nuts! His beard is gone and his jaw is smooth!

Mom, be careful, stay out of the way. The doll-shaped figure made of wood grown only in certain altitudes seems to be about to engage in a fight with giant mice who have appeared in the bathtub…

Oh my god, Mom, stand back, stand back!

Oh, no, Mom, I can’t believe you just saved the toy-soldier-looking statuette who was originally seen only in the Eastern region of Germany from a ginormous rat of royal descent.

Mom, you defeated the monarchic vermin with your Ugg sheepskin slipper, and there is now a human-sized rodent carcass in the bathtub, and holy…

Mom, the hand-painted toy designed by trained artisan timbersmiths is coming toward us. We have to go! Come on! He’s looking right at you!

No!!! Mom, no, don’t approach him!

Mom, stop trying to dance with him! He’s a steely-mouthed wooden figure made of over sixty parts who may or may not have features that represent authority. Mom, he is meant to break nuts at the command of his human owner…

Oh my god, Mom, you are encouraging him to be insubordinate! He’s leaping too high! He might break his lever! Do not jump into his arms!

Mom? Mom! Where are you going with that collectible? Oh my god, what is this, a note?

Dear Owen,

I’ve been trapped in this family and never knew what other possibilities existed until the whimsical grimace-mouthed keepsake also known as a nuthatch invited me into his world. He offered me another chance, and Owen, life is so, so short. I’m sorry for any pain my leaving causes you or your father. One day I hope you will understand.