In Which King Gylfi of Sweden Learns about the Time When Tyr Willingly Let a Demonic, Talking Wolf Bite His Hand Off.
So thing is, the rest’ah the gods, they don’t cahr much fah the fact that Tyr’s goin’ ‘round n’ hangin’ out so much with this fuckin’ magical talkin’ wolf. Now I don’t know if they’re all just a bunch’ah weird-ass fuckin’ cat people ah what the fuck their problem is but they were always kindah scah’d’ah Fenrir ‘cause basic’ly there’s this prophecy that evuhyrone’s been hearin’ ‘bout that says the damned animal’s gonnah completely flip the fuck out one day n’ eat Odin. N’ then when that happens the whole rest’ah the wohrld’s gonnah catch on fi’ah n’ buhrn wohrse ‘en the Cocoanut Grove, but that all comes latah.
Anyway though, so Odin n’ all his guys they finally decide its ‘bout time tah take Fenrir out on accoun’ah this prophecy, which actually kindah makes yah wandah if the gods didn’t just sohrtah bring it on ‘emselves in this pahticulah case. I mean just stop n’ think ‘bout fah a minute, will yah.
So yah got this wolf fah a pet who’s just chillin’ with Tyr n’ not really causin’ any problems ah anything. N’, hell I think he’s even probably prapahly potty trained n’ evuhrything too, but who knows, I mean, he does possess human intelligence so I figyuh he’s at least not pissin’ n’ shittin’ allovah the fuckin’ fuhrniture in Asgard anyway. But then yah take him n’ yah bind him all up just ‘cause some fuckin’ whackjob from who the fuck knows where predicts that he’s gonnah do some bad shit—
So yeah!—exactly, that’s my question. Who the fuck wouldn’t get pissed if yah chained him up like that. Shit, if yah tied me up like that n’ I hadn’t done anything tah desehrve it, I’d wannah fuckin’ eat yah too, yah know, that is if I was a wolf. N’ then at that point why’d yah even fuckin’ cahr ‘bout the entiyah fuckin’ univerhse gettin’ destroyed right aftah? I mean, at that point yah’ll have just finished eatin’ the most powahful fuckin’ deity in the whole fuckin’ pantheon. Like yah’d really give a fuckin’ shit ‘bout anything at all at that point.
Oh shit. Check it out—game’s ‘bout tah staht. Fuck, n’ I’m only like halfway through this whole fuckin’ stahry. I’m sahhry, shit, I fuckin’ fahgot how long it is. Just let me know if I staht tah get off topic, okay? I mean, like I know I can ramble sometimes, so if I staht tah do that, just be like, “Hey, Rowdy, get tah the fuckin’ point ah shut the fuck up,” alright?
Anyway, so the gods they go n’ they get these special collahs n’ then they try tah trick Fenrir into puttin’ ‘em ’round his neck in the hopes that he won’t be able tah break ‘em n’ that they can then lock him up wherevah they fuckin’ want. N’ they actually try this a couple’ah times n’ both times they fuckin’ fail. It was like a dare yah know, Odin’d be like “Hey Fenrir, bet yah can’t break outtah this here ihron collah.”
N’ Fenrir, since he’s a highly irritable animal and truth be told is pretty much a total fuckin’ dick tah evuhryone ‘cept Tyr, he’d be like, “Hey Odin, fuck you.” N’ then he’d go n’ he’d put his head through the ihron collah n’ break it like it was made outtah fuckin’ nothin’ at all n’ then he’d just staht struttin’ ‘round like a badass n’ evuhryone seemed all happy n’ congratulatahry n’ shit on the outside but on the inside they were gettin’ real fuckin’ nehrvous ‘cause they were thinkin’ they weren’t gonnah be able to lock this guy away.
So Odin, bein’ the sneaky bastahd that he is, he sent this othah guy Skirnir off tah fuckin’ Dahk Elfland—
No, I shit you not. Dahk Elfland is fuckin’ real, at least in Nahse mythology it is.
Yeah, yah know, I’m not real sure. I mean, I think a dahk elf is basic’ly like a dwahrf ah a midget. But like a mean midget, yah know. Like a midget that’ll fuckin’ cut yah throat just tah steal a few bucks so that he can then go n’ sco’ah a hit.
Yeah, like these midgets, they’re a real fuckin’ bunch’ah assholes.
Right, yeah, yeah—
Fuck the dahk elves!
Shit, shit—sahhry. Sahhry, Chelsea! We’ll keep it down.
We gottah keep it down, man, alright? Game hasn’t even fuckin’ stahted yet.
But seriously though. Fuck the dahk elves.
Wait, what was I talkin’ ‘bout?
Oh, right. Shit.
Yeah, so Odin sends off this Skirnir guy tah get these midgets tah make a magical collah tah bind Fenrir’s ass with. So these midgets they do this n’ they make a binding that’s made outtah some real fucked up shit that honestly doesn’t even make any fuckin’ sense so don’t even ask. I’m just not in the mood tah even go there.
So next the gods go n’ they take Fenrir out tah some island that looks like it’s right off the coast’ah Maine like it’s supposed to be some sohrtah nice summah day trip ah somethin’, only instead’ah buyin’ him a lobstah roll n’ a beehr they fuckin’ go n’ chain his sahrry ass tah a huge fuckin’ bouldah.
N’ this time it stahts out the same way as it did the othah couple’ah times as well with Odin dahrin’ the animal tah put this thing ‘round his neck tah try and break outtah it. Only this time Fenrir looks at this thing n’ he’s like, “What the fuck is that? It looks like a fuckin’ ribbon.” Because it did look like a fuckin’ ribbon, so natuhrally it made him suspicious. I mean this special midget-made collah looked mohr like a fuckin’ doily that yah’d use to wrap ‘round some retahded little yappy lap dog on Beacon Hill ‘en a fuckin’ ihron-fohrged mechanism used fah testin’ hahdco’ah feats’ah neck strength.
But the gods yah know, they kept at it. They really wanted tah put this ribbon thing on Fenrir n’ so finally Fenrir’s like, “Well alright, if it’s really that big’ah deal tah yah, then I’ll do it. But I don’t trust the fuckin’ thing. If it’s not what it appeahrs n’ yah guys ahr all tryin’ tah trick me, then I’ll only do it undah two conditions: one, if it is some sohrtah magical device n’ I can’t get outtah it, then yah gottah set me free. N’ two, as a fuckin’ reassuhrance tah yah good will, one’ah yah needs tah put yah fuckin’ hand in my mouth while we do this thing, ‘cause I know yah all ahr a bunch fuckin’ liahs n’ this way I’ll bite someone’s fuckin’ hand off if yah don’t let me go, which I know none’ah yah wants that.”
N’ so the gods all look ovah at Tyr since he n’ the wolf’d always been buddies n’ Tyr’s just like, “Ah, fuck.”
So he goes n’ he puts his right hand in Fenrir’s fuckin’ mouth n’ then the gods put the ribbon ‘round Fenrir’s neck n’ told him tah give it a shot n’ soon as he stahted tryin’ tah break free, the ribbon just got strongah n’ strongah n’ those fuckin’ gods man, they all just stahted crackin’ up. They thought this was some hilahrious shit n’ then Fenrir bit poohr Tyr’s fuckin’ hand off, so Tyr he wasn’t laughin’ too hahd anymohr at that point. Talk ‘bout takin’ one fah the fuckin’ team man, that guy gave up his fuckin’ hand fah the team, lituhrally.
N’ now at this point the wolf’s figyah’d out that the gods pretty much fucked him ovah n’ so he’s fuckin’ pissed n’ he’s tryin’ tah bite all’ah ‘em n’ so what they do is they take the othah end’ah the binding n’ then they attach it tah this huge ass bouldah I mentioned earhlier on the island so that he can’t get anywhere n’ then they take a swohrd n’ they manage tah stick the fuckin’ thing in his mouth, wedgin’ it right between his uppah n’ lowah gums. So now Fenrir’s stuck there, droolin’ like a bitch till the end’ah the wohrld when he’s finally gonnah break free n’ eat Odin right befohr the rest’ah the univehrse gets completely fuckin’ destroyed.