When the Kool-Aid Man next hurtles through some unsuspecting homeowner’s wall, he’ll look snazzier, more up-to-date, more “lifelike”… The mascot for the drink mix brand is undergoing “a serious makeover with a brand-new modern look and distinctive voice.”
— “Oh Yeah: Kool-Aid Man Gets a Modern Makeover.” L.A. Times, April 15, 2013.
EXT. DARKENED ALLEYWAY – NIGHT
A flickering street light illuminates two thugs chasing a kid down a dead-end alleyway. With nowhere left to run, the kid backs up against the brick wall.
Thug 1 brandishes a glass of water.
You gonna drink this water on your own, or do we have to get more persuasive?
But it don’t got no taste!
Either you drink this water the easy way, or we make you drink it the hard way—as steam!
Thug 2 sets up a portable camp stove and begins boiling the water in a pot.
Help me, Kool-Aid Man!
An ominous Hans Zimmer score kicks in and the brick wall behind the thugs explodes—but it isn’t that boring old Kool-Aid Man bursting through. It’s a dark red grappling hook, which lodges itself deep in Thug 2’s chest.
A crimson-cloaked, jug-shaped figure emerges from the smoking blast area—the new, grittier Kool-Aid Man.
(in Christian Bale growl)
I’m about to get Jonestown on your ass.
Kool-Aid Man presses the grappling hook’s retract button, propelling him toward the captured thug with a sickening, tinkling thud. We see a close-up of Thug 2’s mangled corpse beneath Kool’s transparent belly.
Looks like I’m the pitcher, he’s the catcher.
Kool-Aid Man! B-b-but you’re not real— you’re just a legend, a myth…
Don’t believe your eyes? Then get ready for my version of the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test.
Kool tears open a packet from his utility belt and blows pinkish dust at the thug. But it’s not Kool-Aid powder—it’s acid! The thug’s face starts to melt away in graphic, gritty detail.
My eyes! That powder is poison!
Wait—that voice… Those words… You’re the petty thug who killed my parents when I was a just a little cup!
EXT. A DIFFERENT ALLEYWAY – NIGHT
A young Kool-Aid Man—a sippy cup—is walking with his parents, a plastic water cooler jug and a 19-ounce canister of drink mix.
The thug, much younger, walks past.
Boy, is my throat parched. (Notices the innocent Kool-Aid family) Well, well, well—look at what we have here.
He takes a small paper cup from his pocket, flips it menacingly, and approaches Kool-Aid Man’s parents.
YOUNG THUG (CONT’D)
After I drink all this refreshing water, I’ll pour this sweetened soft drink mix into the sewers before a kid stumbles across it. Look at the sugar content! That powder is poison!
The camera lingers on young Kool-Aid Man, frozen in horror, as we hear the “glug-glug-glug” of a water cooler being emptied of life.
YOUNG KOOL-AID MAN
You sick bastard.
BACK TO THE PRESENT.
It was so long ago! I was young and thirsty, man! I don’t even remember what I did or didn’t drink back then.
Kool-Aid Man smashes himself against the crumbling bricks—now he’s a cruel-looking broken bottle.
You seem to be having trouble with your memory. Maybe this will help you… concentrate.
Kool-Aid Man sinks his jagged rim into the criminal’s torso. Dark red blood mixes with the artificially-colored water in Kool-Aid Man’s body.
After the thug’s final gritty death gurgle dies away, Kool-Aid Man turns to the kid.
You okay, kid?
I think I’m going to need a lot of counseling.