Gather ‘round, everyone. Thanks for coming—try your best to pack in here. I know the room is small and your time is valuable, so I’ll be brief. Help yourself to a scone.
Settled? OK. I’ll come right out with it: you’ve been slacking lately. And not just one or two of you, but all of you. Performance across the board has been lackluster. Maybe you didn’t notice, but we’ve had several spot checks along the coastline in the past few months, and the investigators couldn’t find any traces of wood or human remains. Any.
And you call yourself “Sirens.” C’mon, girls, you’re giving us a bad name!
I have the data, and it’s not pretty. If you look at this bar graph, you’ll see a noticeable decline in total shipwrecks in the past quarter. The Y-axis is shipwrecks. The X-axis is time. I could sled down the hill this graph makes, and that’s not good.
Don’t you remember anything from our team-building workshops? Where are your harmonies? Where’s your sense of spirit? Your passion? There’s no “I” in “ομάδα.” We need to work together to meet our revenue goals. That new Keurig in the break room isn’t going to pay for itself, and you know how cranky I get when we can’t fill the K-Cup carousel.
I know you’re the best out there. I’ve seen you in action, singing so damn prettily, luring those men in and eating their faces. I’ve heard seven-part harmonies so wonderful that I wanted to literally kill myself out of joy. You’re better than these dismal stats.
So what’s been going on? Do you want longer lunch breaks? I can make that happen. We can be friends, you know. There are mariners who are crossing the sea unharmed, sailing home to the loving embraces of their families. That’s fucked up. We can’t allow that.
You all remember our motto. Say it with me: “He who listens will go on his way not only charmed, but wiser.”
Again, but this time I want you to mean it.
Still not convinced? I’d like to tell you all a story about a young siren. Growing up, she wasn’t the prettiest. She didn’t have the best voice. But she was able to overcome that. She worked day and night. She missed meals. Was she hungry? Sure she was. But she knew that her work would one day pay off, and she’d become one of the deadliest creatures out there. Guess what? She did. Guess what else? That siren was me.
We have quotas to meet. If the sailors bring flutes to drown you out, I want you to sing louder! If they stuff their ears with beeswax, I want you to sing louder! Debbie, would it kill you to preen your feathers once in a while? Cheryl, have you ever met a scone you haven’t eaten?
Let’s try this again: “He who listens will go on his way not only charmed, but wiser.”
Better. One more time, but louder.
I like that! There we go! Now let’s get out there and devour some humans!