“Hello, I am pretty. I am 15. I’ve knit this sweater every Friday night for the past year. It is super.”

“This lime-striped cardigan goes perfectly with my prom updo, and will provide adequate birth control for the after party, despite my come-hither half-smile.”

“See this midriff sweater? My stupid sister knit it for me in exchange for a headband I made when I was stoned at summer camp.”

“My geometric sweater tank symbolizes my role as Priestess of the Intarsic Order, High Level Neutral. Four more years and I’ll get to wear sleeves!”

“Do you like my sexy, crochet sweater? I am squinting at the sun.”

“The wind may blow my hair, but not my cardi. Because guess who knit herself a belt, bitch!”

“I am a real catalog model. I am a real catalog model. I am a real catalog model.”

“I wear this sweater to celebrate my pre-menopause.”

“Mention the hat and I will cut you.”