The Sixth Circle of Hell will be closed Tuesdays until further notice. Due to government handouts, no one wants to dangle you heretics over lakes of infinite lava or set fire to your eternal graves anymore. Obviously, this is not due to poor management or a lack of business planning on our part. We are roasting and broiling you in the afterlife with more vigor and fury than ever before. However, we can’t compete with a government that’s paying freeloaders to collect stimulus checks. Clearly, their priority is to help do-nothing slackers instead of the honest folks in the infernal damnation industry. This, as you know, is the real pandemic.
To our condemned heretics: it is with heavy hearts that we must douse the flames of your fiery catacombs every Tuesday. We absolutely hate that you will not get to boil in the consequences of holding doctrines at variance with established religious beliefs for one day each week. It saddens us to no end that you must spend twenty-four hours without hearing a single sizzling scream from one of your fellow apostates or iconoclasts.
On the days we continue to operate, please be patient with our loyal fire-breathers who do show up to work. They are the conscientious tormentors who actually want to melt your skin and char your bones, rather than lazing about collecting tax-payer donations. Once the handouts come to an end, we plan to build our staff back up to burn and brutalize you better.
In the meantime, all other circles of Hell are fully operational seven days a week. So if any of you heretics also happen to be horndogs, we can send you down to the Second Circle to get blown by the lusty, violent winds of insatiable desire.
(Please note: sodomy is still handled on the blistering sands of the inner ring of the Seventh Circle, as well as blasphemy.)