It’s come to my attention that I’ve been neglecting a certain segment of my readership. I’m speaking, of course, of the very poor—those with neither money to invest nor a career to further, nor shoes. These people are struggling. To deprive them of the soothing balm that is my wisdom would be cruel. So put down the shit sandwich life has handed you, poor people. The truth is, you should be grateful. Poverty is wonderful! Here’s why:
1. Limited choice leads to increased happiness
Studies have repeatedly shown that options are to peace of mind as sand in the crotch area of your bathing suit is to a pleasurable day at the beach. But when you’re bringing in zero point zero dollars you aren’t troubled by such modern quandaries as which coffee table to buy or whether you should even get a coffee table if you already have two end tables and an ottoman. You can’t buy a coffee table! You can’t even buy coffee! No wonder you’re so happy!
2. No one tries to use you for your money
Do you have any idea what it’s like to be pursued by only the most attractive and eligible members of the opposite sex? To be invited to countless galas? To spend every waking moment on a yacht? It’s empty, but you wouldn’t possibly understand. Heavy hangs the neck that wears the VIP laminate. But when someone visits your hovel or cardboard box you can be assured that they really like you for you. Or because you’re on their stoop.
3. All that poverty sex
Chicks dig a gritty dude. Last we checked, you’re looking pretty gritty.
4. No one can accuse you of being a rich asshole
Go ahead, see how many rich assholes you can name. We could play this game all day if I didn’t have a croquet match in twenty. But the point is that everyone can list rich assholes. Poor people can be assholes too, but no one knows their name. Being poor is like being in the asshole witness protection program. That’s something money can’t buy.
5. Say goodbye to champagne burps
When Cristal repeats on you it’s uncomfortable and embarrassing.
6. You cut a sleek figure
Not only are you enviably thin because you’re starving, but you don’t have to deal with unsightly wallet bulge.
7. No awkward lying to beggars
Instead of averting your gaze and mumbling “no, sorry” to a panhandler who asks if you have spare change, you can confidently look the beggar square in the eye and feel great about not helping.
8. You can befriend pigeons and stray dogs and probably talk to them.
Right? Pretty sure that’s how it works.
9. It’s possible you’re the long lost heir of a very wealthy person or will be adopted by one
Check your neck for half a locket.
10. You don’t have to wonder what you’d do if you didn’t spend so much time making money
Go ahead and make that artistic masterpiece out of crushed cans and bum spit. Write your novel on Popsicle sticks. Stage a production of Cats featuring real cats (see number 8).
All of these are things the rest of us only dream of doing, but you, lucky bastard, are in a position to really do it. God speed.