“The Supreme Court on Monday unanimously restored Donald Trump to 2024 presidential primary ballots, rejecting state attempts to ban the Republican former president over the Capitol riot.” – The Boston Globe

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The nation’s temperature is running hot, and tensions continue to flare as US citizens enter an incredibly consequential presidential election year. As such, we feel it is vital that this country’s highest judicial body comes to a decision in this legal matter put before us. After hearing the arguments presented by both sides and considering past precedent, the following ruling is to be upheld:

We, the Supreme Court of the United States, conclude that you do not possess the proper legal authority to simply stop slapping your face with your own hands, while we sarcastically whine, “Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!”

As clearly established in both Dignity and Self-Worth v. Irony and South Carolina v. Bad Faith, citizens are in no position to dissuade themselves from limply smacking their heads with either of their five-fingered appendages—even if we are the ones who grabbed said hand and are currently controlling its motion and movement. We’ve made it clear you don’t possess the right to choose your sexuality, your odds of getting needlessly gunned down in schools, your ability to stave off climate collapse, or what you can read. Why would you get any say in ending a tired, humiliating farce of our own making?

If Americans truly wish to end their soul-crushing loss of autonomy and self-actualization, they should petition their duly elected, career playground pissants to enact legislation that might, and we quote, “quit it already.” This has been the American democratic process for generations, and we Justices are in complete agreement that safely watching your ongoing internal squabbling from an impersonal, perhaps even inhumane, remove is best.

It’s not our responsibility to be moral, empathetic, or even logical; it’s our sovereign responsibility to continue calcifying antiquated, fundamentally flawed laws. That, and not biting the hand that feeds us.

After all… where else would we get the strength to shove your own hand against your cheek, over and over and over again, while the rest of us cackle with sadistic glee?