I’ve given it a lot of thought, and I’ve decided what I’m really missing at this point in my life is to form a meaningful relationship with a purpose-driven paper towel brand. For the past several years, I’ve tried to fill a gaping void in my soul with trendy remedies like exercise, meditation, and therapy. But after a great deal of personal reflection, I’ve come to the conclusion that the only thing that can get me out of this malaise is to engage in an extended conversation across several social media channels with a paper towel brand that not only can absorb spills, but also my deep-seated, existential dread.

I’m telling you, finding a paper towel brand that stands for something and then following, liking, re-posting, and creating user-generated content for it is the best decision I’ve made in a long time. The only question I have now is: What purpose should this paper towel brand have?

On the one hand, SAVING THE PLANET feels right since I’m passionate about the environment. And sure, it would be nice to know that every time I soak up one of my Pomeranian’s accidents that I’m actually helping heal Mother Earth. At the same time, I have some self-esteem issues, so I might benefit from PERSONAL EMPOWERMENT — the kind that could only come from regularly using sheets of disposable, two-ply rolls of recycled pulp.

At any rate, I’m so excited about the prospect of forging a long-lasting relationship with a household paper product that I’ve begun to re-evaluate all of my consumer packaged good brands. So I’ve started curating a completely new portfolio that will meet my material needs while inspiring me to be my very best self and making the world a better place — all at the same time.

For example, I’ve decided to demand more from my dental floss. Keeping my teeth and gums healthy by removing trapped, half-digested particles of food just isn’t enough for me anymore. My new enlightened-consumer self expects a flossing experience that actually means something, like ENABLING A BETTER LIFE. The fact is, there just isn’t one good reason why my intermittent use of waxed monofilaments shouldn’t help elementary-age, refugee school children gain critical STEM skills.

Or take earplugs. My extreme sensitivity to sound means that I’m always in the market for a good quality foam or flanged-silicone earplug. And I’ll grant that the most important feature of the earplug brand of my choice is the ability to block out sound. But look, I’m simply no longer satisfied anymore with products doing the thing they’re supposed to do well. I want my earplug brand to do something that matters, like create a MORE PEACEFUL WORLD.

Anyway, I’m feeling so much better about things now that I’ve committed to have intimate, ongoing relationships with all of my CPG brands while they address and ultimately solve the seemingly intractable problems of our time, some of which have plagued mankind for centuries. So now I’m going to start reconsidering my fashion brands. There’s literally no end to how much self-improvement I can accomplish, and how much I can help change the world for the better with just the right pair of socks.