This off-season you have the unique opportunity to decide your NBA future. It’s a decision not to be taken lightly. While other franchises have surfaced in the rumor mill—New York, Chicago, Miami, along with heading back to Cleveland—we think you’d be doing yourself a disservice without considering another alternative. Namely us, the Washington Generals.
Let’s consider the other contenders for a moment. We can take Cleveland off the list right away because, let’s face it, it’s not going to happen. And no matter what you accomplish with the Bulls, you’re always going to be playing under Jordan’s long tongue-wagging shadow; good luck getting them to un-retire 23. As far as the Heat are concerned, Dwayne Wade’s already led them to the promised land. Even if you win a championship with them, he’ll always be the Moses to your whatever-prophet-followed-Moses; there’s a reason none of us know his name. But us? In our franchise history, we only have a single game with a ‘W’ next to it.
Help us get our second.
(Note: We’re not even going to insult your intelligence by suggesting we’re worse off than the Knicks. We’re not. We can’t compete with their ineptitude.)
But forget about the negatives of the other franchises for a moment. We’re not going to sell ourselves by deriding the opposition. Instead, let’s focus on the largest thing we have going for us: no salary cap.
Unlike those fools in the NBA, we can offer you a much larger sum of money. How much larger? How does one billion dollars sound? Sounds great, right? Of course it sounds great. It’s a billion dollars. Unfortunately, we don’t have a billion dollars. We don’t even have a million. But, you know, if we did have the billion dollars, we totally would be able to offer it to you. That’s got to count for something.
So, in lieu of actual money, we’re going to have to get a bit more “creative” in regards to the contract we’re offering. Consider this just a little taste of the swag you’ll be getting:
- Front-row tickets to every Generals game for your entourage (up to 20 a night), along with a pre-game buffet with all-they-can-eat hot dogs, popcorn and sodas and a post-game party featuring a clown that will make any balloon animal upon request.
- Use of the T-shirt cannon on non-game days.
- A free jersey in your choice of size.
- Lucrative, commission-based endorsement deal with Jim’s Muffler Shop, the official Muffler Shop of the Washington Generals.
- Access to the high-in-demand last row of seats on the team’s traveling bus, allowing you the ability to put your feet up and first access to the rear emergency exit.
- Getting to pick the teammate you room with while we’re on the road (for obvious reasons, we suggest staying away from Freddy “Slip n’ Slide” Clemens).
- Being the first to order your meal every night of the week, whether we’re dining at The Sizzler, Olive Garden or Red Lobster.
- You can play whatever position you want, for as long as you want, and for whatever coach you want. Want to play for Jay Tarses, the actor who played the coach in Teen Wolf? There’s no reason we can think of why we won’t be able to make that happen!
Also, how about this? A lifetime no-trade clause! While with us, you’ll never have to worry about us stabbing you in the back—unlike, say, the NBA who, rumor has it, is going to be opening franchises in frigid Alaska and war-torn Afghanistan soon—and trading you to the rival Globetrotters. You’ll be a Washington General for as long as you want. Life, even!
Now, we know our league offers a few disadvantages to the NBA game you’re used to. We’re not nearly as popular, playing to half-empty stadiums on a nightly basis. The marketing opportunities aren’t nearly as lucrative as you’re used to, aside from the aforementioned Jim’s Muffler Shop deal. And, it’s true, we’ve been known to have our own fair share of problems regarding accurate officiating (although, that’s one area where we’re debatably better off than the NBA). But if you give our offer more than just a cursory glance, you’ll realize this is a golden opportunity for you to give back to the sport you love and become a role model to thousands of children who will see you on a nightly basis.
Also of note, there’s tons of MILFs at every game.
So c’mon! It’ll be fun!
Eagerly awaiting your reply,
The Washington Generals