Are you looking for a community of supportive, helpful individuals who love to knit, without all the drama and politics of most knitting groups?

Whether you’re making a sweater for a crippled, three-legged dog or a stupid scarf for a dumb baby, in our group, there are no egos; we just want to be friends.

Even if your yarn looks like you found it in a dumpster on the poor side of town, we don’t judge. Even if you don’t know the difference between a right-slanting brioche decrease and a reverse stockinette, we understand — everyone had to start somewhere, and we all can’t be great at everything we try. Some of us are morons, it’s okay. As long as you don’t try to convince us that your lopsided booties are as important as our sweater sets, or expect us to pick your garbage shawl up off the floor, we’ll get along fine. That shawl was just practice, right?

Just don’t mix your yarn with ours, because we don’t want to contaminate our unspoiled skeins with that stuff you snatched from the unravelings of a homeless man’s sweater.

Did you even follow a pattern for your, uh, whatever it’s supposed to be? Do you know what a pattern is? Do you know what knitting is supposed to look like? Were you dropped on your head as a child? Admit it, you knit that with your feet instead of your hands — is that your secret?

I mean, unless your Granny Square is some kind of performance art piece, and supposed to be a stinging commentary on the incompetence of some idiots to even do a basic purl stitch, then I’m really not sure what sure to make of it. You were planning to give that to someone? Someone you hate? Someone blind? Ha! We’re just joking, of course. We’re a very relaxed group of jokesters here, just trying to ease the stresses of life through — STOP! Were you really going to take one of our brownies??? You think that after that excuse for a cast-off, you deserve a brownie? Good grief.

Look, we’ve had some problems in the past with people wanting to join our group who don’t have the same like-minded attitude toward friendship and camaraderie as we do. People who don’t respect the art of overhand seams and satin stitches. Wait, let me simplify that in words you’ll understand: people who no love the yarn-yarn. You get that? Just nod your head, we know it’s hard for someone like you to talk and knit at the same time. GET THAT DIRTY YARN AWAY FROM ME, YOU RAGGED-EDGED-BLANKET-MAKING LOSER.

Sorry, didn’t mean to lose my cool like that. We’re just a bunch of easygoing knitters here. Yeah, we lost a few members after our most recent round of elections, but if you’re going to run for President of a knitting group when you can’t even string together two daisy stitches, you deserve to have all of your yarn thrown into the river along with your stupid dead body. No egos here. We worked together to knit an amazing cozy for her coffin after we drowned her. Those are the kind of people we are.

So, meetings are Tuesday and Thursday at 9, miss three sessions and we kidnap your dog. See you soon!