This Year’s Judges:
Judith McIntosh Kolmetz, Sam Elliott’s moustache, Charles J. Morton, Jr., Esq.,
Barbara-Lee Hershberger, Axl Rose, Chuck Norris, my nephew Connor,
Connie Hall Davidson, a Steve McQueen hologram, and last year’s champion,
Heidi Kordeck Stoltzfus.

- - -

8" Block Division

I Do My Fucking Math Tests in Pen
(8” Kaleidoscope chartreuse silk shantung variation)

I Just Did a Line of Coke Off This Brazilian Girl’s Ass After I Wasted Her Pimp
(8” Rose of Sharon pink/coral/raspberry variation with Amish backing)

Watch Me Ride This Tangerine Vespa While Eating Twizzlers
(8” Calico Celtic Knot Sunburst variation)

Let’s Kill All of Those Fucking Ninjas
(8” Saw Tooth Block aubergine/eggplant cotton variation)

I Just Hooked Up My Standard Electric Guitar to a Tesla Coil Instead of an Amplifier and Now it Shoots Motherfucking Lightning
(8” Thistle Bloom Basket rainbow palette with metallic appliques)

10" Block Division

I Just Wrestled a Fucking Shark to Retrieve My Nephew’s Arm That the Shark Had Just Bitten Off
(10” Friendship Star graduated scarlet ombre variation)

If You Shoot Me You Better Fucking Kill Me Because If I Live I Will Ruin Your Life With My Bare Fucking Hands
(10” Whirling Pinwheel sage)

I Just Wrecked My Dirt Bike Doing a 30-Foot Jump In the Motherfucking Gravel Pits
(2” Honeycomb Calico with tea dyed muslin variation)

When I Toss This Cigarette Butt It’s Going to Land In a Gasoline Puddle and Blow This Motherfucking Gas Station to Kingdom Come
(10” Joseph’s Technicolor Dream Coat cotton Block periwinkle with chenille overlay )

I Will Pop Your Eyeballs Out of Your Fucking Head If You Look at Me Like That Again
(10” Double Pinwheel Van Gogh Sunflower pallette)

12" Block Division

Let’s Go Get A Motherfucking 30-Pack of Miller High Life at Walmart
(12” Gentleman’s Fancy block lavender variation)

I Got “Eye of the Tiger” On My Boning Playlist and Am Ready to Do Some Boning
(12” Victorian Starburst magenta hued silk variation)

I Was Kite Surfing Across the Red Sea When the Wind Died and Now I am Adrift and Fighting Off Sharks With a 4” Knife
(12” Mariner’s Delight palette)

That Time I Was Bitten By a Poisonous Coral Snake and I Bit Its Motherfucking Head Off and Used Its Body as a Tourniquet
(12" Double Wedding Ring with metallic silver cording and fleece backing)

This Porsche 918 Spyder Does 218 MPH On the Autobahn
(12” Sunbonnet Sue orange and yellow palette)