Illegal substitution, #37 on the defense. Offsides, #37 on the defense; #37 was lined up several yards into the backfield, apparently posing as a running back. After the snap, personal foul, unnecessary roughness, defense #37. For the remainder of the announcement, if I do not state otherwise, please assume that the foul is against the defense #37.

Personal foul, roughing the passer. Personal foul, roughing the kicker, who was on the sideline and not even involved in the play. #37 then roughed the ball carrier, but that’s what you’re supposed to do in football, so there is no foul there.

After the ensuing fumble was recovered by defense #29, unnecessary roughness by #37 against his teammate #29. Meanwhile, roughing the referee, #54 and #91 of the defense; #91 crouched down behind me as #54 pushed me backwards over #91 in an apparent attempt to distract me from the face mask violation committed immediately thereafter by #54, who may have gotten away with it if he hadn’t cheered “I got away with a face mask!” continuously for the rest of the play.

Personal foul, face mask, #54 of the defense.

During the fumble return, two further counts of unnecessary roughness and one count of extreme but arguably necessary roughness, all on #37 of the defense. Unsportsmanlike conduct, verbally insulting and making obscene gestures at players who had been injured by #37’s earlier fouls. Although, in this referee’s opinion, a good majority of these fouls should also constitute unsportsmanlike conduct, we’re only allowed to call one thing at a time.

After the touchdown, excessive celebration, #54, #37, #91 of the defense. Players threw their helmets into the air, into the crowd, and at opposing players, all of which predictably resulted in further injuries. During the celebration, equipment violation, #37 of the defense; #37 took one of the many penalty flags littering the field and tucked it into his collar like a napkin as he pretended to dine on injured opposing players.

An additional eleven fouls have been committed since I began announcing the fouls.

Intentionally running into the referee, #91 of the defense. #91 apologized, but after the fifth consecutive such foul I have started to doubt his sincerity.

Unsportsmanlike conduct, interrupting the referee, on #54 of the defense, who as you have witnessed keeps wresting my microphone away from me and finishing all of my sentences by saying either, “On the offense,” “In Bizarro World,” or simply “Not!”

Illegal use of hands; #37 of the defense propped up injured members of the opposition and attempted to convince me that they were not injured by moving their limbs around like puppets, which only served to compound the players’ already severe injuries.

This was followed by excessive celebration, spiking the football; excessive celebration, spiking injured opposing players; and excessive celebration, spiking the referee, on #54, # 37, and #91 of the defense, respectively.

Finally, holding, #63 of the offense. The penalties offset. Replay second down.