You think that you dance like you have two left feet? Consider yourself lucky. I dance like I have two left feet, except one of those left feet is backwards, and the other left foot is upside down. Both of my hands are like left feet too. If I had any other limbs, they would probably also have left feet at the ends of them.

Basically, I’m not very good at dancing.

I used to hope that all these feet would make me into a great soccer player, but I was wrong. You see, I kick like my legs are arms. This makes it difficult to play without getting assorted yellow cards and penalties. I can’t even slide tackle without being accused of elbowing other players. Plus, if I get a case of athlete’s foot, it can spread and quickly become a life-threatening condition.

As you can imagine, I stumble a lot when I’m on the go. In fact, I walk like I’m wearing two right shoes on my two left feet. I’ve got to stay vigilant for obstacles that might trip me up. That’s usually not a problem, because I see like I have one lazy eye and one overly-ambitious eye—even if my lazy eye misses something, my other eye is a really energetic go-getter who’s eager to please me. So that normally balances things out.

But if you spot a car about to run me over, don’t bother yelling to get my attention. I hear like I have no ears.

However, I smell like I have two ears. I don’t mean that my scent is similar to that of a person with two ears, I mean that I have the ability to detect odors as well as someone who… well, you know what I mean. If you have two ears, then I can smell things as well as you can.

I hope I don’t sound like a whiner. I do have some talents. Like thumb wrestling. Even though my right hand is like my left foot, all of the finger-toes on that hand-foot are like thumbs. While most people play like they only have two thumbs, I play like I have ten. It’s almost unfair. To put it bluntly, I thumb-wrestle like I play Scrabble.

Wait, did I not explain how good I am at Scrabble? I probably should have mentioned it earlier so that this analogy would make sense. Perhaps a comparison will help you understand: I play Scrabble like I thumb wrestle.

These activities are great for me because they’re not very strenuous or physical. Anything that involves running is a challenge—I breathe like I have two left lungs. And, as we all know, the left lung is the far inferior of the two.

Even though I can’t hold my breath underwater, I can still swim pretty well, since my back is like a regular back but with a dorsal fin. I just can’t stay out at sea for very long, in case I have to go to the bathroom, which I do constantly because I pee like my left kidney is my right kidney. And vice versa.

I hope by now you have a clear understanding of my condition. It’s kind of difficult to put into words, and I put things into words like I put the beautiful game of soccer into interpretive dance performances.

Which is to say, not very well.