Huddle up, team. Has anyone seen that rectangular board thing that coaches use for doodles and other coaching stuff? Ah, here it is. Now trust me when I say that I know pretty much exactly how to use this. For instance, I’m almost certain that we should start with some math equations. Nothing too difficult, just some light trig  —  some sine, cosine, and tangent-type stuff  —  to get our brains warmed up.

Alright, I think this is the part where I make a silly cartoon. What do you guys think? Do you like my giraffe? Hello, Mr. Giraffe! Oh, look, he’s got a tie now. Can’t be late for work, Mr. Giraffe. Now he’s in his car, but wait  —  he’s too tall for it. Oh boy, that’ll be a fun commute!

Okay, let’s get down to it. Seriously, everyone squat so you can see the infographic I drew showing you how to file taxes. Lesson one: always do your taxes while squatting  —  ah, ah, ah, no questions until the end  —  I don’t want you to interrupt my squeaky doodle board flow state, which I’m kinda sure is a thing. Plus, we don’t have a ton of time left in this timeout.

Now look over here. I’ve drawn an IKEA store map. You see this X? That’s us when we first enter the store. You’re going to want to go this way, not that way. The children’s section may have some cute stuff, but you do not want to get stuck there on a weekend. Now, we know as athletes that nutrition is just as important as our training, so make sure you swing through the cafeteria over here, and what do I always say, team? “Don’t sleep on the meatballs!” Exactly.

I’m just about positive that next, we need to analyze the narrative arc of William Faulkner’s The Sound and the Fury. We all remember the interweaving and nonlinear structure, right? I sketched it over here… Okay, let’s read into that for a minute: What was Faulkner trying to tell us? Is this making it more clear what you all need to do after this timeout?

Okay, now imagine I’m your waiter at a fancy restaurant, and the board here is my fancy server tray. “Might I recommend a glass of the Sauvignon Blanc if you’re going with the fish?” Now you tip me for the service. Yes, all of you. And remember, it’s always twenty percent unless the service was smarmy.

I feel like I’ve been really clear and this is going well, so let’s end with some motivation. [He puts the board on the ground and stands on it, moving his body like he’s on a surfboard] Are you guys seeing this? I’m Aladdin on a magic carpet! Are you motivated or what?

Okay, our timeout is over, so get back out there and remember what I showed you with this board. But real quick, has anyone seen my whistle? I’m pretty sure I need to be blowing it right now.