How often I would talk to my friends about my relationship problems in a batting cage

The romance of tourist attractions, like Rockefeller Center, which in reality is just full of sweaty midwesterners and unimaginative boyfriends proposing to their slightly disappointed girlfriends

How attractive Billy Crystal is

The ability of a sexy, yet classy dress to take any relationship to the next level

How good I’d look in a menswear-inspired blazer and hat

The chances that my next door neighbor is Chris Evans, instead of an old Italian woman who’s always complaining about how I throw out my trash

The ratio of cute, flirty guys to stressed out moms at the laundromat

How often karaoke performances are sexually-charged cool girl performances of underrated classics and not slurred performances by white guys who love Journey

Spunky taxi drivers who urge me to seize the day, instead of problematic Uber drivers who hate feminism and love Drake

Christmas being ridiculously romantic instead of a grating, tiring, and stressful as you search for the gift that will actually make your mom happy, knowing that nothing will actually make her happy except two point five grandchildren in the next three years

The size, cleanliness, and functionality of kitchens

The frequency of people calling off their weddings at the altar, only to suggest that instead two older people — often a mother or grandmother — who’ve had a long, slow burn, steamy romance get married instead, an idea to which those two people eventually agree, and all the guests stay because they’re pretty sure they can’t return the toaster oven they bought so they should stay for cocktails, while the priest just shrugs because he blocked off an hour anyway so he might as well do this new wedding instead

Men’s emotional depth