ALEXANDRA: You know the word “testify” derives from the ancient Greek word “testis” – or testes, so it’s basically a sworn oath on one’s balls. Which is especially appropriate since not being able to control his sexual organ is going to be the downfall of 45.
MICHAEL: FALSE. ALTERNATIVE FACTS.
ALEXANDRA: Okay, it’ll be tax evasion, too.
MICHAEL: No. I mean the testicles thing. “Testis” itself originated from the Indo-European word for “three.” As in a third party. As in a witness.
ALEXANDRA: Wait. Seriously? How do you know that?
MICHAEL: Things got a little weird at the last “Woke Bros” meeting. Things went a little too far, much like…
ALEXANDRA: Activated Charcoal-flavored ice cream?
MICHAEL: I bought that ONCE!
ALEXANDRA: Omarosa being touted as a leader of the resistance?
MICHAEL: Maybe. But did you see that new Randy Rainbow video? TOTALLY WORTH IT.
ALEXANDRA: Whatever the hell it is you’re wearing right now?
MICHAEL: You don’t like my pants?
ALEXANDRA: Please tell me you are wearing those overalls ironically.
MICHAEL: These are Rousers, Alex. They are this season’s formal rebuttal to the Romphim. Look at these tortoise-shell buttons. No rivets here! Herringbone, Alex. Slim cut. I look fierce. So don’t you DARE start in with what is or isn’t appropriate for a middle-aged man to wear to the office.
ALEXANDRA: You’re right. I apologize. I’m the one taking things too far. I’m just in a bad mood.
MICHAEL: But Tuesday was huge! Convictions. Confessions. IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING.
ALEXANDRA: Is it? I feel like he could shit on a bald eagle while slapping a chained Betty White in a lady liberty costume in front of the 9-11 memorial ON VIDEO and his supporters would STILL cheer him on.
MICHAEL: Eyes on the prize, Alex. Midterms. I signed us up for The Last Weekend. I thought we could canvas as a team. Do good while reconnecting romantically. I’ve already started on a Spotify list to serve as our soundtrack. To be honest, though, I lost momentum when my Rousers arrived. They work with gladiator sandals AND my Varvatos boots! So far, the playlist consists only of the entire catalogs of Pete Seeger and The Weekend. And Elizabeth Banks singing “Fight Song.” Because obviously. In the words of Avenatti, “Buckle up, Buttercup.” OH! I should add that old song from The Foundations, too! WHY do you build me…
ALEXANDRA: So let’s just say we DO manage to convince lazy liberals to show up and vote. And that we register every left-leaning 18-year-old. And more votes are cast for Democrats than for any other party. So what?
MICHAEL: RIDE THE BLUE WAVE, MY GIRL!
ALEXANDRA: WOMAN, Michael. What about the Russian tampering? The collusion? Did you see the Facebook video of the elementary school kids hacking into the voting machines in Vegas? AND FACEBOOK!! Deleting all those Russian accounts targeting conservative think tanks. What if this election is as much of a sham as one in Zimbabwe or Turkey or Venezuela or…
MICHAEL: Not to change the subject, but these Rousers would look amazing with an ushanka hat.
ALEXANDRA: I’m serious, Michael!
MICHAEL: I know you are, Alex. But I don’t have a good answer. I agree that clean election results seem as attainable as clean coal, no matter what 45 was screaming in West Virginia a couple nights ago. What a rambling mess. He and his followers the “actual elite?” I can’t EVEN. Do you know why I’m really so enamored of these rousers? I can’t stop eating my feelings! None of my plaid vintage pants fit anymore. I think the Russians’ true plan for the destruction of democracy is to kill us all via our obesity epidemic.
ALEXANDRA: Then turn off the “My Fitness Pal” reminders on my phone and hand me the ice cream.
MICHAEL: The only one I haven’t already devoured is the charcoal flavor.
ALEXANDRA: I, the jury, find you guilty of tampering with my coping mechanisms.
MICHAEL: And I, the defendant, will also likely be brought down by my inability to control my sexual organ. Which brings us to another possible coping mechanism to employ. One that is less caloric.
ALEXANDRA: Fine. You be a despondent Sarah Huckabee Sanders and I’ll be a humble-yet-triumphant Mueller.
MICHAEL: Do you want to borrow my Rousers?
ALEXANDRA: Quit it or I’ll hold you in contempt.