On today’s episode of He Sure Didn’t Look 12, we talk to Edward Johnson’s final victim, Officer Gail McGuire. McGuire became Johnson’s latest victim, a trail of victims that authorities have mysteriously yet to unearth but surely exists, when she was viciously attacked on her knee by the sidewalk as a result of Edward Johnson’s premeditated assault on her visual horizon and her subsequent self-defensive body slam.
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We’re back. And we’re talking with Officer McGuire.
REPORTER: Officer McGuire, how did you feel when you first saw Johnson?
McGUIRE: Well, he sure didn’t look twelve.
REPORTER: Interesting. And what did he say to you?
McGUIRE: I am currently, actively threatening you with premeditated intent for felonious, first-degree murder.
REPORTER: Wow. And what do you think is the root cause of this sort of behavior?
McGUIRE: A mismanaged public prison system. It’s staggeringly inefficient.
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Back to the program. To better understand Edward Johnson’s criminal intent, let’s take a dive into his dark past. Little is known about this man because he cunningly only lived for twelve years. But from our research, it appears that Edward Johnson was born in a public hospital, lived his entire life in public housing, and even attended public schools.
REP. HENRY CUELLAR, DEMOCRAT OF TEXAS: Based on this evidence, this over-reliance on non-privatized institutions is likely what led to his criminal intent.
He often attended after-school programs at his public library, including ones with activities like basketball. In 1977, Los Angeles Laker Kermit Washington punched Rudy Tomjanovich of the Houston Rockets in the face, resulting in a season-ending, life-threatening injury to Tomjanovich. They were playing basketball, the same criminally-adjacent game that Edward Johnson played every weekday for nearly three years.
Edward Johnson hit puberty six months before he assaulted McGuire’s visual horizon. His mother, a nurse, intended to be interviewed for this story, but later declined after learning the name of the podcast.
Johnson’s father is currently serving a life sentence for possession of three grams of marijuana at Lake Erie Correctional Institution, a facility brought to you by the folks at Corrections Corporation of America. CCA, now rebranded as CoreCivic, a diversified government solutions company. To find out how its alpha growth model is tied to high school dropout rates, please visit their website.
Edward Johnson was sentenced to death by McGuire, who was retroactively promoted to Judge at the scene of the crime.
McGUIRE: It was self-defense, or really, I was defending him from society, and ultimately, from himself. Yeah. That’s right. Yep, I did that. Wow.
But some walk away from this with a slightly different perspective. We sat down with Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell, Republican of Kentucky.
McCONNELL: Like all other people killed from my sacred blood oath, Edward Johnson will haunt me and my family’s nightmares for generations to come. I haven’t had a moment’s rest without countless vengeful spirits haunting my pitiful psyche. I mourn the peaceful slumber my grandchildren will never know.
REPORTER: Interesting. What should be done to solve this problem that your family is having?
McCONNELL: Mismanagement of public resources, undercapitalized carceral facilities, sorry, do you hear those chains clinking followed by the hollow gasps of undead children? They’re a little distracting.
Tune in next week, when we learn the story of Roylan Hernandez-Diaz, a man who was heroically rescued by ICE and returned to his home at Richwood Correctional Facility, a LaSalle Management Company facility, where he spent the rest of his days.