Since 1996, Tickle Me Elmo has delighted children and families alike with his laughs and giggles. This holiday season, though, we’ve decided to adapt Elmo a little bit in order to better fit the national mood. Don’t wait to get your children the newest toy craze: Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo!
Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo works the same way as Tickle Me Elmo: press his tummy or his feet, and he’ll start shaking. But instead of laughter, this time Elmo is crying! And if kids try to scratch his belly, Elmo will say, “I am not in the mood to be tickled. It is 2017, and I must weep.” Fun!
Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo will then reach out and demand to be held. And with his soft fur and cuddly body, kids are going to want to hug him wherever they go! Elmo is okay with that, because if he’s not being held then he becomes overwhelmed by a sense of being completely alone in the vastness of the universe. Then, upon then realizing the futility of his attempts to halt the never-ending cascade of problems plaguing modern existence, he will start to tremble, and he won’t stop until he is in a child’s arms, being told that cities and states will pick up the slack if and when the federal government fails us.
Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo also has a whole new array of catchphrases. Listen to him say things like:
- “How has it only been this long since Donald Trump became President?”
- “So many people in Puerto Rico are still without power!”
- “Yemen is a humanitarian disaster!”
- “Am I going to lose my health insurance?”
- “I am naked and afraid!”
Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo also knows all of the celebrities who have died this year, and thanks to new technology, he constantly updates his list. So it’s entirely possible that your son or daughter will wake up in the middle of the night to the sound of Elmo quietly sobbing, and when your child asks what’s wrong, Elmo will whisper, “Tom Petty.”
And just as the original Tickle Me Elmo’s chortles and guffaws got the whole family laughing along, Console-Me-Because-2017-Is-Hell Elmo’s tears are contagious! Soon your kids will be wailing along with their new favorite toy. Although this will make Elmo cry even harder, he’ll secretly feel a little bit pleased that he’s not the only one who’s disturbed by modernity. He has a rich and complicated inner life.
Initially, we were going to provide each Elmo with two AA batteries so that kids could start playing with their new best friend as soon as he left the box. However, immediately before we were going to send out the holiday shipments to toy stores, a wave of reports about sexual assault and misconduct in media, business, and politics hit the newsstands. We realized that we were going to need to double the number of batteries we provided, since Elmo would start to cry upon reading the stories, and then he would stop because he would realize that it was about damn time that women were being heard and men were being held accountable for the bad things that they had done. However, then he would start crying again because he would think about the fact that powerful men had operated with impunity for so long. This inner turmoil sapped a lot of battery power, so now Elmo comes with a replacement pack for no extra cost.
Incidentally, it’s probably good that Elmo’s power runs out fast because once he starts crying, he really can’t be stopped.