They call him man’s best friend. But sometimes, a dog can be a jerk. Here’s a list of the top canine behavior problems you might encounter.
When dogs are unfriendly or afraid, they bite. But remember, “Dog bites you once, shame on the dog. Dog bites you twice, shame on you.” Ultimately, though, shame-shame-shame on you for still loving Marie. When she left you after falling in love with cutie-boy Murray, and then she asked you to take care of her new Jack Russell Terrier while she and Murray went to Miami, you could have declined. But you didn’t. And here’s “Jack,” getting acclimated to his temporary home, sitting on the sofa next to you as you watch the game. When you reach over to pet him, the little nut-job takes a lightning-quick nip out of your hand. Dog bites you once, there’s no one to blame but yourself, pal.
VOMITING ON A SLEEPING FACE
If a dog is going to eat their temporary caretaker’s ice cream while the caretaker is in the bathroom (also a behavior problem, it should be noted), they should at least deal with the consequences properly. Here’s proper: If you, dog, feel sick in the middle of the night, and you can’t wake your whiskey-drunk temporary caretaker for help, jump down from the bed, and vomit on the floor, like any self- respecting dog would. But when you instead choose to stay on the bed, and you vomit hot, half-digested ice cream onto your temporary caretaker’s forehead, eyes, cheek, and mouth, no amount of trying to lick it off can take back what you have done to me, goddamn you, forever, forever, I will never get over this, Marie.
FEAR OF THUNDERSTORMS, POOR LITTLE PANSY
Well, well. Looks like some dogs that bite the hand that feeds them (or vomit on the face that sleeps next to them) turn out to be confused little weirdoes when the first thunderclaps of a storm come rapping on the windows, ay Jack? And, trembling like a flower, they seek shelter first inside the wall, then in the bathtub, and then in the armpit of the human they betrayed.
UNUSUAL DOG PARK BEHAVIOR
Sometimes you can take a dog to the dog park and, wow, what a freaking spaz. Seems he can’t figure out how to impress a certain female Jack Russell, try as he might. Here’s my advice to you, Jack: Don’t roll around in the mud. Don’t pick a fight with a Great Dane, for crying out loud. Don’t try to jump over a bench you could never clear in your wildest canine dreams. Yes, she saw everything. No, she did not want a play date. Neither did her winsome owner, thanks.
BARKING BECAUSE THEY’RE LONELY (AND THEY’RE NOT ALONE IN THAT REGARD)
Some dogs apparently miss their temporary caretaker so much when he’s at work, they make a habit of barking all morning long, bothering the neighbors. But some dogs are also lucky to have an attention-starved caretaker. Where do you want to go for lunch, Jack? You want me to open the car windows? Sure, buddy!
SENSING THAT YOU ARE GROWING ATTACHED AND USING THAT AGAINST YOU
… to get things from you, like extra petting, after-work hide ‘n’ seek games, and peanut butter kisses.
FLIRTING WITH SINGLE WOMEN WALKING DOWN THE STREET
Oh, you bad, bad dog, you. Good boy!
SNEAKING INTO MOVIES IN A BACKPACK
And eating popcorn right out of the box, you rascal!
IMPROPERLY CUDDLING AT NIGHT
And wrapping around their temporary caretaker’s neck while snoring … leaving their temporary caretaker to fend off thoughts of Marie, and the fact that this same warm, snoring dog will leave one day soon …
PRETENDING TO BE STUPID
Dogs aren’t dumb. And Jack Russells know ESP. Which is why you’re not fooling anyone, pretending to have no idea that Marie is coming home today, that you’re not puppy-excited that she’s going to sweep in here with Murray and his cutie-boy tie, and she’ll lift you up like a toy, and you’ll lick her sweet and sexy face, and off you’ll go, leaving a vacuum of loneliness behind. Don’t give me that dumb look. I know you know.
THINKING UP EVIL PLANS
And for the record, no, it is not a good idea to pretend that you ran away, Jack. We could never pull that off. Marie would never stop asking about you. We could, however, now that you telepathically mention it, fake your death. Yes, yes, that’s a terrible, terribly brilliant idea. You’re “dead.” Hit by a car. Cremated. We can give Marie my Nana’s ashes; she’ll never know. You evil little dog.
BEING COMPLETELY DISLOYAL
Most dogs are loyal. But a certain dog that has previously faked his own death so that he could be with a new and loving owner will immediately forget the dealio when spotted at the dog park by Marie, Murray, and their new (and female) Jack Russell. No effort will be made by the dog to act like Marie is not recognized. In fact, the opposite. And when Marie asks, “What the fuck? You said he died,” and her ex responds with a weak, “Surprise,” no effort to play along will be made by the former-best-friend dog. There is a female Jack Russell to impress, after all—mud to roll in, Great Danes to taunt, and benches he can only dream of jumping. He is a bad dog with behavior problems.