When deploying children’s birthday parties, I ensure guests receive an outstanding customer service experience. I am comfortable around all animals. There is nothing I will not sanitize with discretion. I’ve been a self-starter since I started myself, by myself. During the process of my own parturition, I collapsed the right lung of my mother. I am a Seriously Motivated Individual. As a young entrepreneur, I proactively bought deer on the cheap and sold them at inflated prices. It is my firm belief that one must spend money to make money. I am a Natural Leader. It is my firm belief that Followers should be dangled from meat hooks and left to swing by the flimsy elastic of their flimsy, indolent underpants. I am determined to no longer have partial financial hardship. After nine consecutive internships, I acquired scotopia. I am in possession of Good Writing & Interpersonal Skills. I thrive in fast-paced environments. I once witnessed a puffer fish commit suicide in the waiting room of a dental practice. I am able to lift up to 13.5 pounds over my head, unassisted, several times per day. I know of a woman who knows of a fax machine. I’ve heard of websites selling certain manuals to certain fax machines. I am comfortable with the following terms: app, hotspot, cloud, Wi-Fi, RAM, battery. I adjust quickly to changing priorities and keep au courant with the latest developments in dress socks. I have a side gig repairing latex masks. I am somewhat familiar with the Internet and able to follow specific instructions on a daily basis. A well-respected manager once hailed me “the next big thing in employees.” Before dispensing advice to colleagues, I find it helpful to relay anecdotes focused on my own heroic conduct. I train junior staff to follow the system properly and gag all insubordinates. At the center of my pate are tiny, coruscating horns. I experience tremendous bursts of energy and spend hours on the dance floor before succumbing to dehydration. I have what it takes to pee in a jar beneath my desk. I require no time off. I use surplus time to pursue my hobbies of grouse shooting, snake charming and employment seeking. I possess intermediate knowledge of Microsoft Outlook and a blowgun. I never get high on my own supply. I report to Kevin. Kevin reports to Mike. Mike reports to Craig. Craig reports to God. I support the duties of the Bounty Hunter. I own the copyright to the following phrase: “Thanks a latte.” I agree to never eruct semen in the coffee of a co-worker. I am upscale, outgoing, single, attractive and fun-loving. I am between the ages of nine and 22. I transform clients’ dreams into realities. I am a vital part of my crew, I do whatever it takes to keep The Talent ready for action. I am willing to provide professional headshots. I am willing to provide professional orifice shots. I could be in front of the camera in no time if that’s what you’re looking for. I can make $10,000 a month, depending on how much I work. I keep sixty percent plus tips and extras. My favorite pastimes include smiling and running errands. At night, I sleep with a pickaxe. I am determined to no longer have full-blown financial hardship. I have a side gig donating plasma. I never lose sight of my expendability. I look forward to the privilege of discussing my qualifications in further detail. I have no problem not showing my face.
McSWEENEY'S INTERNET TENDENCY'S PATREON
July 16, 2015