1. She’s been texting other guys a lot recently, and also your platelet count was low at your last doctor’s appointment.

When your girlfriend starts texting a lot, you know that she needs other people—and usually other men—to fill the voids in her life. If she’s not giving you attention, she can’t be that into you. But she has been into you in the sense that she’s operated on you and removed some bone marrow, because your platelet count is on the decline and your doctor is worried. You need to check on your girl, and also get another checkup.

2. You haven’t been on a date in weeks, but when you try to ask her why, she just blames you for bleeding more than usual.

Prolonged bleeding: Is it a symptom of a broken heart or a consequence of an absence of platelets that usually help clotting? Either way, you need to investigate. Call your girlfriend, tell her you two are going out for a romantic night on the town, and see how she responds. Also call a specialist, because you may need a transplant.

3. She has been evasive when you ask her where she’s been, and you’ve noticed the back of your pelvic bone has been recently pierced with a needle.

You say, “Hey baby, where were you last night?” and she responds, “Uh… fly fishing.” That can’t be true, seeing as it is January and clearly not fly fishing season. Also, she’s never fished before in her life. If she evades your questions with lies, you owe it to yourself to find out the truth. You should also look into the fact that your pelvis is sore and your girlfriend has a large, bone marrow extraction-sized needle in her sock drawer.

4. When you try to kiss her, she leans away, and also your doctor has placed you on a bone marrow transplant list.

If she were into you, she would kiss you. No kisses equals not being into you. That’s math we all can do. Test her with an impromptu kiss. Also, get the required tests for a bone marrow transplant, because your doctor has put you on the waiting list. Let’s hope your girlfriend kisses you back, and let’s also hope you find a marrow donor who matches your profile.

5. She says she wants to see other people, and tells you she’s been taking your bone marrow.

When she says she’s done and wants out, you can be pretty sure that she’s not that into you. Also, she told you she’s been selling your bone marrow for the last month. That explains the aches and pains and her new bone marrow-selling boyfriend.