The right candidate will have a winning smile, the kind of smile that doesn’t die, even a little bit, even if she hasn’t found a reason to genuinely smile since she’s walked in this morning.

The right candidate will have the patience of Mother Theresa and the fortitude of a Tibetan monk when paper gets jammed for the hundredth time in the piece of shit printer on which we spent two thousand dollars.

The right candidate will never let on that anything in her personal life is impeding her work, because the right candidate will understand that her job is the most important thing that has ever happened to her.

The right candidate is strongly encouraged to attend every charity walk, company picnic, company happy hour and ice cream social with a big fat smile on her face, even and especially if those events are during the weekends. If the candidate shows poor attendance to these it will negatively reflect upon her annual review.

The right candidate will find the phrase, “you don’t have to be crazy to work here but it helps” funny, even after she hears her superiors say it numerous times.

The right candidate must be well dressed and attractive, but not in a threatening way.

The right candidate will find every male coworker who holds the title of “Director” or above charming, funny, handsome to a degree, and worthy of her time. Likewise she will shower her female coworkers who hold the title of “Director” or above with a level of respect not dissimilar to envy, admiration and awe. (Especially since many went to Ivy League schools and work so very hard on their toned arms.)

The right candidate will not get pregnant.

The right candidate, in fact, would be better suited to the role if she were unable to become pregnant.

The right candidate will not complain to others about how she cannot afford to pay her bills. If this is the case, there is a 24-hour café downstairs that is hiring for the night shift.

The right candidate will know martial arts in the unlikely event of an active shooter situation. A rudimentary knowledge of disarming an aggressor with a firearm is preferred but not required. (We cannot pay for martial arts classes but offer an excellent wellness program that includes acupuncture for your pets and a free health screening from a Chinese medicine “expert”.)

The right candidate must have simple written and verbal communication skills. Her skills need not be “mad” in this field, but sufficient. She is, after all, to remain beneath a very thick and formidable glass ceiling.

The right candidate will find fulfillment in her everyday tasks and will, in general, be the kind of person who doesn’t aspire to more in life apart from what she already has.

The right candidate will have no serious outside interests. (Running is OK.)

The right candidate will not have high expectations regarding the functions of our HR department. (Especially when it comes to pay, harassment, worker’s comp, maternity leave, health benefits, time off, or basic listening skills.)

The right candidate must wear high heels at all times, even if it leads to discomfort or injury. This includes but is not limited to carrying heavy boxes, opening boxes with X-ACTO knives, delivering hot lunches to conference rooms, and calmly ushering the important people out in the unlikely event of a shooting.

The right candidate will not be overheard speaking unpleasantly to telemarketers, even when they are rude to her and tell her she’s stupid, useless, sounds dumb, sounds unlovable, etc.

The right candidate will not, ever, under any circumstances, cry.