Dear Mr. Schulmiller:
It has recently come to Disney’s attention that your Facebook timeline has been displaying digitized video clips of your fifth grade elementary school play (“Why I Am Thankful”), which includes copyrighted material owned by Disney Enterprises, Inc.
As a result of Disney’s acquisition of Jim Henson’s The Muppets in 2004, Marvel Entertainment in 2009, and Lucasfilm in 2012, the total and complete copyright for your childhood (which consisted almost entirely of watching the Muppet Show, reading comic books, and acting out scenes from Star Wars) is now owned exclusively by The Walt Disney company. In connection with said acquisition, Disney has thereby retained the rights to any subsequent nostalgic yearnings for said childhood, as well as exclusive distribution rights for any archival materials relating to your childhood (including, but not limited to: Polaroid photographs, grainy VHS tapes, super-8 movies, 35mm film, souvenir Viewmaster wheels, amusement park kiosk novelty magazine covers, and audio cassette compilations [“Mix Tapes”]).
Any unauthorized distribution of your childhood violates federal copyright law. Moreover, your engagement in the practice of “Throwback Thursdays” has incorporated repeated references to your childhood which are intended to foster an association with Disney. These include instances of whimsy, a sense of wonder, and an unfettered imagination (not to mention adorable photos of you at age seven in Captain America Underoos). Accordingly, your Timeline may also constitute trademark infringement, false designation of origin, and unfair competition, in violation of federal and state law.
Therefore, we hereby demand that you: (1) immediately cease the distribution of your childhood, including any reproductions of Disney trademarks or emotionally-manipulative depictions of your journey towards a loss of innocence (see addendum re: Pixar); (2) immediately destroy all unauthorized keepsakes or mementos from your childhood in your possession, custody or control (including the original Kenner AT-AT and mint-condition Mos Eisley Cantina set in your basement that you won’t let your ten year old son play with); (3) provide to us written assurance that you will immediately discontinue, and will not resume in the future, making whooshing lightsaber or pew-pew blaster noises, doing your halfway-decent Kermit the Frog impression, or boring your friends at bars or parties with tedious dissections of inconsistencies across the dozens of films and television shows in the Marvel Cinematic Universe (but please keep binge-watching them on Netflix and paying $22 to see them in IMAX 3D!)
We demand that you send the above information to us within fourteen (14) days of the date of this letter to the following address:
J. Andrew Coombs
Disney Enterprises, Inc.
500 South Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521-6352
The above does not constitute an offer of settlement and is sent without prejudice to any of Disney’s rights or claims in law or equity, all of which are hereby expressly reserved. Please be advised that we are capable of confirming your adherence to this letter’s demands by monitoring your daily activities through your various Apple iDevices, as well as via the biometric surveillance data that you surreptitiously provided us during your 1985 visit to EPCOT.
If you are not able to comply with the demands of this correspondence, please take a bite of the enclosed apple, which will allow you to sleep through the duration of Disney’s copyright claims (1,000 years, or until you receive true love’s kiss from Paul Rudd).
Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter.
Very truly yours,
J. Andrew Coombs
The Walt Disney Company
Enclosure (Poison Apple)