It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of one hundred essays to grade must be in want of a new season of Bridgerton to binge.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a student you gave a pencil to yesterday in possession of a perfectly functional pencil case must be in want of a pencil.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of a chic new haircut must be in want of a student earnestly asking, “Why do you look so tired today?”

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a boys’ bathroom in possession of freshly painted walls must be in want of a hastily drawn penis.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a group of teachers in possession of decades of classroom experience must be in want of a mandatory three-hour professional development seminar run by an educational consultant who completed ten months of Teach for America in 1998.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an educational YouTube video on the historical context of Things Fall Apart must be in want of an advertisement for adult diapers.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that students watching an ad for adult diapers in possession of a deep well of vicarious embarrassment must be in want of the knowledge that YouTube ads are tailored to the computer’s user.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that any student in possession of a Monster energy drink must be in want of a class that requires them to sit still for fifty-five minutes.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of her third happy hour margarita must be in want of a former student reluctantly coming over to take her food order.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a curriculum in possession of a single book with queer main characters must be in want of a PTA member in a blind and furious rage.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a female teacher in possession of an education degree and seven years of experience must be in want of a male colleague to explain to her the basics of classroom management.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of COVID-induced brain fog must be in want of a time-off request system that requires her to remember three different passwords.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an experienced educator in possession of the understanding that, in general, teenagers are mostly good and intelligent people must be in want of a layperson’s hot take on why the youth of today are hopeless.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a group of educators in possession of woefully low salaries and the beginnings of burnout must be in dire want of a pizza party and day-old donuts.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a male student in possession of the Wikipedia page for 1984 must be in want of an opportunity to dominate the class discussion with a scathing rant against liberal censorship.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a classroom in possession of 27 desks is in want of 28 students.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a generation of young people who missed important formative years of in-person schooling to a deadly pandemic must be in want of a viral trend that encourages them to steal and destroy clocks.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a teacher in possession of an uncharacteristic weekday hangover is in want of a surprise classroom visit from the principal.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that an 8 a.m. class full of exhausted teenagers in possession of Pride and Prejudice must be in want of a teacher who will not stop making hilarious jokes about the book’s opening sentence.