Are you tired of not being rich?

Do you want to make thousands of extra dollars every month without breaking a sweat?

Great news: all you need to do is commit an extra forty to fifty hours a week to intense work outside your full-time job, and you, too, can make passive income.

I know, I know: it sounds too good to be true. At first, I couldn’t believe that I could make a comfortable living without giving up my free time. And you know what? I was right to feel that way. I couldn’t give up my free time—it had to be spent working. But that’s how you make passive income: by staying up twenty-four hours a day working nonstop, destroying your relationships with friends and loved ones, and eliminating any spare time you might have to enjoy the fruits of your labor.

Some people have asked me, “Are you sure you understand what the word ‘passive’ means?”

And it’s during those moments that, instead of asking me a question like that, they could have been working to make even more passive income. Are you starting to get it? Are you starting to see the vision? Are you starting to believe?

Every hour of your day that you’re not at your nine-to-five has the potential to be an hour you spend making passive income.

And guess what? That means every hour you’re asleep, you’re missing out on an hour of paid work.

For instance, I should be asleep right now. My doctors have told me that if I don’t start sleeping soon, my health is going to deteriorate rapidly. But that’s because they don’t want me to enjoy the spoils of passive income. I’m not as selfish as they are. I’m here to spill the beans and let you in on the secret.

So get ready. Stock up on Red Bull. Buy one of those collars that zap you awake when you start to nod off. Because it’s time to join the movement. It’s time to be all you can be. It’s time to completely destroy your life with nonstop work. It’s time to make passive income.

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This is an excerpt from frequent McSweeney’s contributor Eli Grober’s hilarious new collection, This Won’t Help: Modest Proposals for a More Enjoyable Apocalypse. Reprinted by permission of the publisher, The Experiment.