The Dave Plan

Minutes: Unlimited nights and weekends.1
Length of Contract: Lifetime contract, family plan available.
Service: Full service plan, premium hardware, free identity protection, unlimited summer grilling, selection of ring tones.
Cancellation Penalties: see Length of Contract.

1 – Except during football season and March Madness.

The Jeff Plan

Minutes: 120 daily anytime minutes;2 300 minutes every other weekend.
Length of Contract: Lifetime contract.3
Service: $25,000 signing bonus;4 weekly cash back allowance; round-the-clock streaming news; free Lance Armstrong “Attacking the Pave” commemorative poster; no roaming charge.
Cancellation Penalties: $59,783.

2 – Except 2-3 days a week when service becomes spotty due to vague “deadlines.”
3 – Midlife crisis termination option after 17 years of continuous service.
4 – Cash equivalent vouchers to be spent at area wedding vendors.

The Trevor Plan5

Minutes: 240 anytime minutes daily, 600 weekend minutes.6
Length of Contract: Variable.7
Service: Unlimited jumpstarts and roadside assistance, 1/2 of all pull-tab winnings, unlimited firefighter fantasy play.
Cancellation Penalties: Loss of Hallmark Precious Moments collection in “accidental” shelf collapse; loss of second half DIY kitchen remodel; move back in with your parents.

5 – Only available in Idaho, Montana, and Wyoming.
6 – Except during fishing season, Elk Opening Day, and Dancing with the Stars season finale.
7 – Common law marriage option available after 10 years continuous service.

The Clive With Benefits

Minutes: Call anytime Tuesdays between 2 – 4 pm, unlimited non-religious holiday minutes.8
Length of Contract: Pay dutch as you go.
Service:Unlimited foot massages during CSI: Miami, talk + sexting option available, keep the phone number you already have.
Cancellation Penalties: Loss of IMAX theater guest passes and Cheesecake Factory freebies.

8 – Excluding Valentine’s Day and Thanksgiving; New Year’s Eve iffy.

The Hook-Up Only Plan

Minutes: * 90 minutes during evenings, between 11 p.m. and 4 a.m.
*Length of Contract:
No contract.9
Service: Convenient same day service at time/place of your choosing, no talk + no kissing options available, keep on the outfit you already have.10
Cancellation Penalties: $20 copay for STD test, loss of dignity, cash in wallet, and iPod unwisely stashed in car’s glove compartment.

9 – Must be drunk to apply.
10 – Up to 36 hours.